Everyone Knows
by DarkShadowFlame
Summary: Sequel to Telling Everyone. Now that all of Hogwarts knows Harry and Draco are dating, it becomes necessary to keep it a secret from Draco's father, their Azkaban sprung substitute teacher. How are they going to do this when 'Everyone Knows' ?
1. The Howlers

Everyone Knows ****

Summary: Sequel to Telling Everyone. Harry and Draco are dating happily, but nothing's guaranteed. Lucius Malfoy is out of Azkaban and… their teacher? They'll be in trouble if he finds out that they're together, but how can they keep it a secret when Everyone Knows?

****

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and co. are definitely not mine. I double-checked, just in case. Not mine.

****

A/N: This takes place two weeks after Telling Everyone. Just FYI ^_^ The characters are a bit OOC, but I think it's necessary for this crazy plot. The rating is just in case… So read, review, and enjoy!

*~*~*

"_HARRY'S DATING DRACO, HARRY'S DATING DRACO, HARRY'S DATING DRACO_," Fred and George's voices sang.

"_Mr. Potter_!" Professor McGonagall finally yelled from the Head Table. "This has got to stop!"

Fred and George chanted "_HARRY'S DATING DRACO,_" one more time and their Howler burned up.

"It's not my fault!" Harry protested. "It's a Howler! What am I supposed to do?"

She glowered at him a moment, but then decided ignoring him was the best strategy.

For the past two weeks, Fred and George had sent a Howler to Harry at dinner. It always said the same thing, too: "_HARRY'S DATING DRACO!_" Everyone in the Great Hall had learned to cover their ears for the first few minutes of dinner. Mostly, people thought it was funny.

And it was true. They'd been dating since December (December 16, to be exact, as Hermione had once pointed out), although they only told people two weeks ago. And they were extremely happy.

Draco waved at Harry, who blew a kiss back.

"Something's wrong," Hermione whispered, startling Harry.

"What?" he asked instantly. "What happened?"

She looked up at the Head Table. "Look at Dumbledore."

He was reading a letter, brow creased. The permanent twinkle in his eyes was gone and replaced by a cold fury. Abruptly he stood up, and his gaze fell on Harry. He swallowed nervously as Dumbledore then turned to look at Draco.

The elderly wizard swept down the aisles created by the tables. He first stopped at the Slytherin table and tapped Draco on the shoulder, whispering something in his ear. Draco immediately left the room. Dumbledore then made his way over to Harry and gestured for him to go outside.

They unconsciously reached for each other in the hall. Draco gripped Harry's hand so tightly the Gryffindor thought it would break. "Is something wrong, Professor Dumbledore?" Harry asked bravely.

He silently handed Draco a letter to read. Harry craned his neck to see what it said, and his blood froze.

__

Headmaster Dumbledore,

I realize that you believe Lucius Malfoy is a threat to the wizarding kind. However, there is no proof that he was involved with You-Know-Who. He claims it was simply a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I am inclined to believe him.

This is why I gave to order to release him from Azkaban prison earlier today. He was indeed grateful, and made a generous donation to the Ministry. I ask you to consider that when voicing the complaints I am sure you will have.

Of course, I secured his word that he would stay out of trouble and have no further contact with You-Know-Who (that is, if he indeed had any in the first place).

Now, it has come to my attention that your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor must take a two week leave. I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity for you to see Mr. Malfoy's good intentions if he were to fill that position for you. He seemed more than eager when I brought this up with him earlier and I believe he is qualified for the job.

Now, Dumbledore, I believe you might owl me back in protest. My mind is made up on this matter, and I'm afraid I will have to refuse any owls from you, at least until Mr. Malfoy has had a chance to prove himself to you.

He should be arriving tomorrow.

Best regards,

Cornelius Oswald Fudge.

"No way!" Harry said loudly.

"I'm afraid so, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore said grimly.

"Oh, no," Draco whispered, staring at the letter. "Is he going to try and hurt Harry?"

"I don't believe he will risk it," Dumbledore said after a pause. "But even so, I will keep a close eye on him. I am more concerned at his reactions should he find that you two are dating, Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy."

A letter Draco had received once from his mother suddenly flashed in front of his eyes.

'_I hope your father is still in Azkaban, the bloody git. I don't think he'd approve, so maybe it's a good thing he doesn't know._'

"We are in so much trouble," Draco breathed.

"We have to hide this," Harry said desperately. "We just have to tell everyone not to mention it."

"Pretend I'm still dating Pansy," Draco agreed with a scowl.

"Will you boys be okay?" Dumbledore asked gently.

"We kept it a secret since December," Harry said determinedly. "We'll be fine."

"It might even be fun," Draco said, breaking out into a smile. "Remember all the sneaking around, Harry? The dumb lies we told? That people believed! Not that we don't still do it…"

"Oh yeah! And the time Filch caught us after curfew and we said we were returning from detention…"

"Ha! He believed us, why wouldn't he? We get in trouble…" his voice trailed off as he saw Dumbledore staring sternly down at him.

"…for saying stupid things like that," Harry said, finishing Draco's sentence with a sheepish grin.

Dumbledore shook his head, grinning, the twinkle in his eye returned. "It seems you two will be okay. I'll be speaking with the staff, and I trust you will take precautions with the students not to let your secret loose. And believe me, I will be working to get Mr. Malfoy back to Azkaban where he belongs."

*~*~*

"Death Eaters in the castle!!!" Harry screamed as he burst into the Gryffindor common room. He'd forgotten that most everyone was down at dinner. Too bad, he'd been practicing that frightened scream.

But at least Colin Creevey was in there; he and Dennis were pouring over a big black book. They jumped up in fright, and Harry saw the words, "Has a black thong" printed in bold. He frowned.

"What is that?" he asked suspiciously.

"Death Eaters?" Dennis squeaked, fumbling for his wand. He dropped it, bent to pick it up, and dropped it again. "Where?"

"Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom," he said breathlessly, putting on a frightened face. "Tomorrow!"

"Let's go get 'em!" Colin said enthusiastically.

"Tomorrow," Harry repeated loudly.

"Come on, Harry!"

"It's tomorrow! They're not coming until tomorrow!" he yelled in exasperation.

"Oh," Dennis said, taking his time to pick up the wand to ensure he got it firmly in his hand. "Let's get 'em tomorrow, then!"

"I don't think Dumbledore would appreciate you 'getting 'em'," Harry said, "seeing as he's our new Defense Against the Dark Arts substitute."

"Wow," Colin said, eyes wide. "How do you know this, Harry?"

"It's Mr. Malfoy," Harry said. "And if you tell him that Draco and I are dating… okay, if you _don't_ tell him we're dating, I'll let you take a picture of me!"

*~*~*

Draco, unlike Harry, had remembered that everyone was in the Great Hall eating, and went back in calmly. He wedged in between Pansy and Crabbe. "Pansy, will you go out with me?" he asked, deciding that she wouldn't understand the whole top-secret, hide the relationship, Death-Eater father concept.

Her eyes lit up and she pounced on him. "Oooooh! Of course! I knew you'd come around, Draco!" she giggled.

"Er… yeah. Right." He looked to his right. Would Crabbe and Goyle really understand? He didn't think they even understood the concept of 'going out with Potter.' He decided he didn't need to say anything to them.

Pansy was practically smothering him. Glancing up, he saw mixed emotions on the faces of his fellow Slytherins. Some of them, like Pansy, were smug that he had finally 'come around.' Others, though, were disapproving.

"Why did you break up with Harry?" Blaise Zabini whispered angrily. "I thought you were finally learning your lesson, Draco!"

He winced. Whoops. Maybe he should have been more subtle.

"My dad's coming here to teach!" he said loudly, jumping up on his chair. He figured that most of the Slytherins, with the exception of Crabbe and Goyle, would understand the significance of this. "He's going to be our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor!" He made sure to give the Gryffindors a superior smirk before sitting back down and continuing to eat serenely.

The whole of the Great Hall, however, broke out into furious whispers and people kept shooting Draco furtive looks. Some were of sympathy, some were of understanding, and some were of pure hatred and suspicion. Those were the ones Draco was aiming for. His father would throw a fit if he thought anyone was 'pitying' a Malfoy.

*~*~*

"I'm so sorry for you, Harry," Parvati said sympathetically. Lavender handed him a sprig of flowers. He stared at her closely, wanting to catch her giggling, but it appeared she was serious.

"Er- thanks, guys. Girls!" he said hastily. "Thanks, girls." They gave him funny looks before hurrying off to their dormitories. Probably to gossip about him, Harry thought.

"That's what Dumbledore wanted to tell you, then?" Ron asked sympathetically.

"Yeah," Harry said, staring at the flowers. "What am I supposed to do with these?"

Hermione took them from him and examined the bottoms. "Magical flowers," she declared. "They won't wilt for a month, and you don't even need to put them in water. Lavender and Parvati must really feel sorry for you, Harry, they usually save these for Firenze, or those Ravenclaw boys."

"Oh," he said blankly. "So… what am I supposed to do with them?"

Hermione huffed. "You put them beside your bed, Harry, what do you think you do with them?"

"Put them beside my bed?" Harry yelped. "You're kidding! Everyone's going to think I'm…"

"Gay?" Ron supplied, grinning.

"Got a point, mate," he said, smiling sheepishly. He leaned over and smelled them. Hmmm… he could get used to these.

When Mr. Malfoy was back in Azkaban where he belonged, he'd see if he could get some for Draco.

*~*~*

Draco stood next to Snape just inside the main entrance to Hogwarts. He was standing very stiffly, and glancing at the older man next to him could tell that Snape was just as nervous. He felt rather bad for his teacher, who had enough stress without a Death Eater staying in the castle, monitoring his movements. And by the awkward but somehow gentle way Snape spoke to him, he knew that, though he was finding the emotions difficult to express, he felt just as bad for Draco. Even though Snape didn't entirely approve of his relationship with Harry, he was of the opinion that nothing Draco did could make him deserve a father like his.

Mr. Malfoy came strolling up to the castle. Hagrid followed behind, carrying his luggage. It was piled up so high that even the half-giant was having trouble walking. He dropped a bag once; Lucius turned sharply and snapped something Draco couldn't hear at him. He continued on, leaving Hagrid to struggle with the bags. Draco felt a stab of anger- he knew perfectly well that his father could have magicked the bags, or even shrunk them and carried them himself. It wasn't fair- but, he reminded himself, he had to at least _pretend_ to agree with his father.

"Draco," he greeted his son coolly when he finally made his way up to the castle. "Severus." He then turned his attention to the other two members of their little party- Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall. McGonagall was standing, face rigid, jaw clenched- and wand held tightly in her hand, hidden under her robes. Dumbledore, however, had his hands folded serenely in front of him.

"Hello, Mister Malfoy," he said pleasantly. Draco thought Dumbledore should be given a medal for this charade. "Or, as it will be for the next two weeks, Professor Malfoy. Allow me to accompany you to your rooms."

Malfoy nodded curtly, glancing around disinterestedly. "Come, Draco."

__

What, am I a dog? he wondered absently as he moved to follow his father. _I only do the whole slobbering and licking thing with *Harry*._ Professor McGonagall moved, as if to follow Dumbledore and the Malfoys, but the Headmaster shook his head very slightly. She hesitated, and looked torn, but Snape touched her lightly on the arm and said something softly, and they both wheeled around and marched in opposite directions.

Draco followed his father, trying to think of something to say. 'I'm dating Harry!' was out of the question, and he would probably get hexed with 'so how was Azkaban?' Comments about the weather were overdone, and if he complimented his father on his lovely hairstyle, Malfoy Sr. would probably suspect (realize) that Draco was gay. And since he was supposed to be dating Pansy… no, no, no, that wouldn't do at all.

So he decided that silence was best for now. That is, until he abruptly thought of something and blurted out, before he had time to think, "Father! In class, do I call you 'Daddy' or 'Professor'?"

Lucius turned around to glance in surprise at his son. His brows narrowed sharply. "I would expect my son," he said tightly, "to observe the proper behavior." Without glancing at Dumbledore to see the man's reaction (which was a twitching of the lips and the omnipresent twinkle in the eyes), he strode on.

That really didn't answer his question, but the real message was a simple 'shut up.' So Draco shut up, rather ashamed of himself, and followed his father down the halls. At the entrance to Malfoy's temporary headquarters, he dismissed his son with a quick glare.

Draco wondered what the point was of dragging him halfway across the school as he walked with heavy footsteps towards the Slytherin common room. At the base of the stairs next to the Great Hall, he ran into Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Or rather, their counterparts, his new enemies: Potter, Weasley, and Granger. The four of them eyed each other uncertainly. Draco wanted nothing more that to run over to Harry and tackle him to the floor, rolling around, getting their robes all tangled up… an idea began to form.

"Potter," he said, sneering. "You… fathead," he finished lamely.

He could tell that Harry was amused, but that was only the result of many hours of gazing into the green eyes. Harry covered it up well with a dark scowl. Ron glanced between the two, obviously unsure as to whether they were serious or faking it. Hermione stared steadily at Draco, face impassive.

"Malfoy," Harry said evenly, struggling not to laugh. "Glad your father's here, eh, Daddy's boy?"

Draco sucked in his breath sharply. "I resent that!" he protested. He did, but it had also given him the opportunity he wanted. Without a second's thought, completely ignoring Professor Snape's distinctive footsteps coming up a side hallway, he jumped forward and tackled Harry.

He was vaguely triumphant to realize that he'd caught Harry off guard, but more preoccupied with scrabbling around his 'opponent's' robes, trying to make it look like punches. He heard Harry moan, possibly pretending to be in pain. More likely it was just involuntary. But it didn't take long for Harry to come back, actually biting his neck.

Ron pulled out his wand, but Hermione nudged him in the ribs. He was hopeless.

Much to soon for the boys on the floor, Professor Snape descended on them and yanked them apart. "Mister Potter and Mister Malfoy!" he hissed through his teeth. "This is immature and unnecessary behavior! I would expect more out of you especially, Mister Malfoy. You know how important it is! Twenty points from Gryffindor!"

Hermione actually let out an extremely unladylike snort of laughter, causing Ron to look at her in admiration. Professor Snape, while able to argue that his obvious bias was due to Malfoy's presence, was obviously enjoying this. Snape turned to her and fixed her with a glare before turning his attention to Harry with something like horror. "Mister Potter, what is that?"

Harry looked down and offered lamely, "A goose egg?"

Draco put both hands to his mouth to prevent laughter, but it was futile. Harry glanced his way: "Oh, Draco has a 'goose egg' too!"

"We must have given them to each other," Draco said, smirking. "We were bumping a lot in that particular area."

Snape had a muscle ticking in his forehead. Without any further comment, he turned and practically raced down the hallway.

"Well…" Draco said, not sure what there really was to say after that. "Er… you suck, Potter!"

"Double for you, Malfoy!" Harry said, now fighting desperately to keep a straight face. "I bet I could kick your ass any day!"

"I bet you couldn't kick it tonight! At eight o'clock!" he said.

"I bet I could!" Harry said, and then turned and walked off, followed by a scurrying Ron and Hermione. Draco watched them go, knowing he would be seeing Harry that night, in the Room of Requirements. And they'd see who kicked who's ass.

*~*~*

Draco sat patiently at dinner, studiously ignoring the glares from the Gryffindor table, the two glares from the Head Table (his father and Snape, who else?), and the constant fumbling of Pansy, sitting next to him. He sneaked a look at Harry, immediately noticing his lover's transfixed gaze of horror. He followed Harry's stare upward…

And spotted the barn owl swooping toward Harry, carrying the Howler from the two people they'd forgotten to swear to secrecy. Lucius happened to glance upward, following the owl's progress with mild interest (as if he could miss it anyway, once it started). Aw, shit. They were in so much trouble.

A/N: That's just the first of several as-of-now-unoutlined chapters. ^_^ If you have any ideas, or scenes you'd particularly like me to put in, feel free to tell me. I could always use inspiration… though I write fine under pressure. 

I honestly don't know when the next chapter will be up- school is starting for me soon and I always throw myself into the first few weeks, plus I have to update my other story, "The Other Side." Reviews will help me write faster, hint hint! I'm done talking now… so you're free to go on and click that pretty purple button! ^_^


	2. The Great Snake

Everyone Knows ****

Summary: Sequel to Telling Everyone. Harry and Draco are dating happily, but nothing's guaranteed. Lucius Malfoy is out of Azkaban and… their teacher? They'll be in trouble if he finds out that they're together, but how can they keep it a secret when Everyone Knows?

****

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and co. are definitely not mine. I double-checked, just in case. Not mine.

****

A/N: This takes place two weeks after Telling Everyone. Just FYI ^_^ The characters are a bit OOC, but I think it's necessary for this crazy plot. The rating is now definitely R… oh, and before I forget:

This story (as well as Telling Everyone) is archived both at FanFiction.net and at Serenitas's website: www.draconis-carpe-noctem.com. If you're a Slytherin supporter, or just a Harry Potter fan in general, I would really recommend taking a look at this awesome site. ^_^

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! At the bottom, I'll respond to some of the reviews, but for now, read, review, and (I hope you) enjoy! ~_^

*~*~*

"_HARRY'S DATING DRACO!"_ the Howler exploded with unnatural force. Harry, cringing, wondered if it had _really_ been _this_ loud before. A few minutes later, he also began to wonder if it had _really_ been this _long_ before, either.

"_HARRY'S DATING DRACO! HARRY'S DATING DRACO! HARRY'S DATING DRACO!_" Fred and George sang, blissfully unaware that they were probably going to get them both 'Avada Kedavra-ed'.

Lucius Malfoy's eyebrows had shot up. A few years ago, they would probably have disappeared behind his hairline. But Harry, for the first time, noticed that said hairline was receding. He wondered vaguely if Draco would go bald, too. It was likely, considering all the potions and spells he used on his hair. Harry, hoped not, though- what would he thread his fingers through when Draco was sucking on his-

His thoughts were brought back into focus by the Howler finally bursting into flames. And he sadistically hoped that no Howler had burned _this_ bright, either.

The whole of the Great Hall was silent, eyes turning rapidly from Harry (red-faced) to Draco (white-faced) to Professor Malfoy (purple-faced? Confusion did that to you, apparently). Some of the more perceptive students shot a glance to Dumbledore, who was clearly at a loss for words and actions. But it was Hermione Granger that spoke first.

"Harry Potter!" she exclaimed, and flinched a little as her voice echoed through the still Great Hall. But she plowed on, hoping she had gotten better at lying since the incident with Umbridge. "You wanted to impress Fred and George, didn't you? You told them you were dating Draco, didn't you?"

"Yeah, Harry," Ron chimed in. Hermione nervously considered putting a Silencing Charm on him, or kicking him under the table, or _something_- he meant well, but… "They knew you had a secret crush on Draco, and I bet they were teasing you. Bet you regret making up some relationship now, eh?" Hermione relaxed slightly. Now they just had to hope Harry got the hint.

They were more than a little startled when he burst into very noisy and very fake hysterical tears. Sighing a little, Hermione put a spell on Harry to make water flow freely from his eyes. He stopped the sobs a minute, momentarily surprised, then resumed. "It's true!" he cried dramatically. "It's true! I love you, Draco, and I wanted to believe we were a couple! The truth is, I can't live without you! I dream about you every night!-"

"Well, you damn well better," Draco muttered.

"-I want to kiss you! I want to touch you! I want to rip off your shirt and suck on your chest and climb on top of you and ravage your skin and have you pull down my pants and rub my-" This went on for a while. The dead quiet and thoroughly shocked students sat there, eyes bulging (some with a little more than eyes bulging). The teachers were looking decidedly green, but no one stopped him. They kept looking uncertainly at Malfoy Sr. with more than a little fright. For his part, Lucius was staring thoughtfully into his dinner plate, eyes sparkling with some no-doubt-evil plan. Minerva McGonagall suppressed the supremely childish urge to stick her tongue out at him and tell him his Slytherin was showing.

Abruptly Mr. Malfoy stood up. Harry fell silent, having run out of things to say anyway. That is, until the God of Stupidity decided to make him leap from his seat, sprawl out on the ground and cry to Lucius, "Oh noble loins which brought forth my beloved!"

Oh shit. No way, no bloody way did he just say that to a _Death Eater _who hadtried to _kill him_ on _many occasions_ and, if not for Dumbledore, would not hesitate before _blowing his head off!_ (And _not_ the kind of blowing Draco did, and _not_ the kind of head he did it to either!)

But… either the Howler had made him go deaf (a distinct possibility) or Harry had made him go insane (an even more distinct possibility). Lucius Malfoy swept down next to the Slytherin table, crooked a finger at Draco, and calmly walked out of the room.

*~*~*

Draco knew his father expected him to follow. If he didn't, Lucius would hex him to pieces. But if he did… Lucius would happen to glance down, throw up, scream like a little girl, and _then_ hex him to pieces.

There was really only one option. Well, two, but a cold shower right now was out of the question. Swallowing his considerable pride (he nearly choked on it), he gritted his teeth, performed a quick Shrinking Charm, and scurried out after his father.

*~*~*

"Potter is in love with you," Malfoy said simply. Draco bit hard on his tongue to prevent himself from saying, 'Oh, so that's what it was!' It came out anyway, but luckily was muffled.

"Ho, hm hmp hut hit huz!"

"What?" his father demanded.

"Er… that's really gross," Draco lied.

"Yes, well, he is a Potter," Malfoy said dismissively. Draco felt his blood begin to boil, and had to remind himself that this was how he'd acted in his first year (first few years, actually). Since smacking his father was out of the question, he smacked himself.

"Draco, what the hell did you do that for?" his father demanded.

"Er… a bug. On my head."

Lucius completely ignored his son. "This is a perfect opportunity. Date the Potter boy, Draco. Lure him into our midst."

Whatever Draco had been expecting, this wasn't it. He stood speechless.

He started to say, "Ooooh, Daddy, I love you!"

He started to say, "Convenient, then, since I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from kissing him senseless next time I see him."

He started to say, "_Score!!!_"

Thank Merlin his inner Slytherin answered for him. "I have to date _him?_ And pretend I'm gay?! What about Pansy?"

His father shrugged, unconcerned. "You'll deal with it," he said, making it an order. "And don't worry; I'll personally speak with Miss Parkinson."

All righty, then, things were awesome. Sun was shining, sky was blue, grass was sweet, and his father was talking. _Still_ talking!

"In order to get close to him, of course, this relationship will have to be an intimate one. You're not a virgin, right?" he asked suddenly, sounding as if he would kill his son if the answer was yes.

"No, I'm not," Draco said, deciding not to tell his father exactly who he'd lost it to.

"Then everything's ready," he said, almost gleefully. Draco bristled at this a little; that made him sound like a whore. He was 'ready'… bah. "Who knows," Lucius continued disdainfully, "you might be able to get some pleasure from this… assuming Potter has anything to offer."

"Oh, Harry's big," Draco said absently.

"What?" his father asked, nearly yelped, in shock.

Shit! "Uh… Hairy," he said nervously. "H-a-i-r-y," he spelled. "It's my, uh," he gestured in the general direction of downstairs. "My, uh… because I am," he finished lamely, wanting to sink into the earth and be done with it.

His father glared at him, and he felt his panic rising. "You named _my_ family jewels Hairy?" he demanded angrily. "I'm disappointed in you, Draco. I, for instance, am the Great Snake," he said, drawing himself up proudly.

Oh. It seemed he'd gotten his wish, after all. He had to have sunk deep underground, because _THIS WAS HELL!!_

And what was wrong with Hairy, anyway? His weren't really named Hairy, but pretty close. He usually referred to them as 'Harry's'.

Draco conveniently got out of further discussion of this highly embarrassing topic by collapsing on the ground. His father shook him awake, muttering angrily about disgraces to the Malfoy name, not to mention the Great Snake.

*~*~*

Later that night, in the Room of Requirements…

Harry frowned slightly as Draco sucked on his neck. Again, he rubbed his hips against his lover's. Draco moaned slightly, but… Harry felt nothing.

A horrible idea struck him. What if Mr. Malfoy had cut it off? In a panic, he ripped Draco's boxers off and peered down anxiously.

"What the bloody-" he cried. Draco pulled away and glanced down.

"Oh no! Poor Hairy!" he cried in distress. "This Shrinking Charm!"

*~*~*

Harry limped into breakfast the next morning. Draco had been so angry with him for making fun of his little Hairy, that he hadn't just lifted the Shrinking Charm- he'd used an Engorging Charm. He was very, very, sore. He never thought he'd be relieved when Draco finally returned 'Hairy' to its proper size.

"I couldn't find you last night," Hermione said, eyeing him suspiciously, "so I wrote to Fred and George for you. I wonder what they'll make of this situation."

Harry shrugged, unconcerned. "Doesn't matter, now they could keep sending the Howlers if they want."

Hermione didn't have to say anything. She gave Harry a Look, and he knew immediately that he'd better explain himself. "Mr. Malfoy, apparently, ordered Draco to 'win me over.' We had a good laugh over that one, but basically we can be seen together in public. In fact… we have to be."

"Bully for you," Ron grunted, plopping in the chair beside him.

"Looks like somebody got up on the wrong side of bed," Hermione said airily, turning to her toast.

"Looks like the school genius is wrong," he answered sourly. "Someone didn't get out of any sides of bed at all. I couldn't sleep last night, so I left at like 2 in the morning. Come to think of it, Harry, you weren't back by then…" he said, a bit suspiciously.

It would be a good idea to change the subject now. "Why couldn't you sleep?" Harry asked hastily. 

"And where did you go?" Hermione added sternly.

"I went to the kitchens," Ron said. "Oh, and you'll never guess what! I met the Creevey brothers in the hallway, so we all went and got a snack."

"What did you talk about?" Harry asked, a bit apprehensively.

"Oh… nothing much," Ron said, shrugging a little and smiling a little more. Colin and Dennis were desperately worried about the safety of their two biggest idols, and Ron was worried about his best friend. The three of them had decided to take it into their own hands… they would get Mr. Malfoy!

How, why, where, and when could be questioned later. At their lunchtime meeting in the library, as a matter of fact. Lucius Malfoy was going down.

*~*~*

The only thing he could do, Draco decided, was scream. So he did.

"Draco!" his mother yelped, hurriedly putting her hand over his mouth. "What in Merlin's name has gotten into you?"

"Mom?" he asked disbelievingly. "Why are you here?!"

"Well, I heard about your father, of course," she said casually, glancing around. They were standing at the base of the stairs. Draco had been heading to lunch when he turned a corner and saw her.

Yeah, that was when he had started screaming. But really, wasn't it every kid's worst nightmare to have both your parents come to school with you?

"I was afraid for you and Harry- your father is not a good person to have around," she said, lowering her voice a little. "So I wrote to your father and asked him if I could stay with him… I told him I missed him. I also wrote to Dumbledore, who fully agreed with the situation, and I got here last night! Someone has to keep an eye on that slimy snake," she added, mostly to herself, "though I must admit… he is a Great Snake."

Harry's scar might be on his forehead, but Draco's scar was _in _it. He was going to be mentally scarred for life after this.

He followed his mother into the Great Hall, deliberately lagging behind. Dumbledore greeted his mother with a secret smile, and Lucius greeted her with a cold glance at her chest. Yep, he was going to be scarred.

He took his seat at the Slytherin table, but two seconds later a bunch of flowers dropped on his empty plate. He spun around to see Harry grinning at him.

"Magic flowers," the dark-haired boy said, winking. "You put them by your bed."

****

A/N: Dun dun dun… Okay, that chapter is finished. I _still _haven't worked on my other story, so I really have to get my lazy butt in gear. But I happen to like this one better, and I've even started the next chapter…

Once again, I haven't specifically outlined anything, though I do have a bunch of ideas. But if you have any suggestions, or scenes you'd just like to see, feel free to tell me.

If you liked this kind of story (Harry/Draco, sarcastic humor), you might want to read two of my other ones- "The Polyjuice Potion" and "Emotions Running High." Both are finished- though, Emotions Running High has a sequel that should be out in a YEAR OR SO at the rate I'm going. And if you wanted to do me a _favor_, you could go read "The Other Side," a WIP that is VERY VERY different from these. But don't feel pressured or anything… LOL.

Okay, my much-beloved reviewers: (those who reviewed as of 8/25 3:00 ^_^ )

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Serenitas: Hehe, I don't want to give the story away, but I'll just say: I can't stand angst and I'm a sucker for happy endings. ~_^

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Lucyfer-Salazar-Malfoy: Thanks- I hope this is enough 'more' ^_^

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Party Girl2: Good Lucius would be nice, but he would also throw my plot out the window. Hehe. Or what little plot I have… at least he hasn't killed anyone yet! LOL. Haven't really decided his fate yet… throw in any suggestions!

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Shelli: Don't worry, I wouldn't hurt my lovely main characters. At least not fatally… ::laughs maniacally:: to tell you the truth, I haven't really decided what will happen. I hope this fit your definition of 'soon'… ^_^

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xx Dodo xx: Thank you so much- that's always such a nice thing to hear! Very good for the old self-esteem ::grins::

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SoulSister: Hehe. I love Fred and George… they make _anything_ interesting. ^_^

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Tommi/Dragon-Wolf: LOL, well, it burned. Thanks! ~_^

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Lunadeath: Bluish-purplish. ::grins:: It's a pretty color, though. ::rolls eyes at self:: Anyway, thank you! And I think "trouble" are Harry and Draco's middle name, LOL.

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luin-lote: Thanks! Generally, I try to update fast, but I'm not sure what will happen now that my school has started…

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Fuyu Tokyo: I dislike Fudge… a lot… Malfoy paid him off, basically, that's how he got out. Yes, poor Harry and Draco, but at least things are looking up now, right? ^_^

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Tasha: Wow- I don't know, but what a cool idea! Too bad Draco and Harry aren't as smart as you… (and good thing Hermione is!) ^_^

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Firewrath: Well, I wrote more. And you got it two days before everyone else, too! (Ah, the privileges of actually knowing the author, right?) ^_^ Thanks for reviewing, Christine.

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Haretsu: Hm, another reviewer smarter and quicker than Harry and Draco. That was a smart idea! Was that "Agh, those Weasley twins" a _good_ or _bad_ Agh? ~_^ Oh well, I love them, especially their trouble-causing crazy ideas.

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Hypergurl20022: All right… was that a good review or a bad review? Well, if you're actually reading this, you know what happened to the Howler, right? ~_^

My review alert seems to be kind of messed up- probably because of all the upgrades going on on FF.net. I hope I didn't miss anyone! But thanks to _everyone_ who reviewed, you guys make my day.


	3. The Mexicans

Everyone Knows ****

Summary: Sequel to Telling Everyone. Harry and Draco are dating happily, but nothing's guaranteed. Lucius Malfoy is out of Azkaban and… their teacher? They'll be in trouble if he finds out that they're together, but how can they keep it a secret when Everyone Knows?

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Disclaimer: Harry Potter and co. are definitely not mine. I double-checked, just in case. Not mine.

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A/N: This takes place two weeks after Telling Everyone. Just FYI ^_^ The characters are a bit OOC, but I think it's necessary for this crazy plot. The rating is now definitely R… oh, and before I forget:

This story (as well as Telling Everyone) is archived both at FanFiction.net and at Serenitas's website: www.draconis-carpe-noctem.com. If you're a Slytherin supporter, or just a Harry Potter fan in general, I would really recommend taking a look at this awesome site. ^_^

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Important: Okay. I'm going to make a long story really short and say this: I decided to upload one chapter every Tuesday. I finished the third chapter. Internet connection on this computer broke. The idea of saving the story to a floppy disk and uploading it on our other computer never even _occurred_ to me. I wrote fourth chapter so that I could upload when Internet was fixed. Internet got fixed! Day Internet got fixed happened to be a Tuesday, so I uploaded two chapters. I'll keep uploading on Tuesdays from now on. (Assuming my teachers don't kill me, either by strangulation or homework) ^_^

Review! I absolutely love all my reviewers. Well, except the ones whining about the ships. If you don't like Harry/Draco, you should not have gotten this far.

Oh, and a big thanks to my beta, **Dragon's 1 Girl**! (If you're a Harry/Draco shipper, you could check out her stories too. Yeah, shameless plug.)

*~*~*

"Okay, gentlemen," Ron said, pacing back and forth. "Dennis, sit _down!_"

"Sorry," the youngest Creevey boy said, settling back in his chair. "I'm just excited to be doing my part on the behalf of the welfare of Harry Potter…"

Ron rolled his eyes. "And Colin, stop tapping your foot! Our mission: to protect Harry James Potter from one Lucius… does anyone know his middle name?"

The two boys shook their heads solemnly.

"Okay, so first thing: find out the middle name of Professor Lucius Malfoy. Once we have completed our first mission we can move on to Harry's safety. Now, I've been thinking about how- Dennis, I said to sit _down!_"

"Sorry," Dennis said again, jumping back into his seat. "I didn't even realize I'd gotten up, you know? My body just won't stay still."

"Right. Now, I've been thinking about how we can protect Harry from Professor Malfoy. The best thing would be for Malfoy to go back to Azkaban, of course. And next to that, we- Colin! I said you could stop tapping your foot! It's driving me crazy!"

Colin tried to stop his foot from dancing around, and had to resort to holding it down. "Sorry, Ron. Go on."

"Next to that, we would want Mr. Malfoy's attention away from Harry. To make it simple: we- OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Both Creevey brothers leapt into the air at his outburst. "Sorry," Colin said meekly, trying again to stop his foot from compulsively tapping. Dennis nodded vigorously and sat down quickly.

Ron glowered at them. "One more interruption…" he muttered. He spotted Madame Pince giving him a dirty look and cringed. Maybe the library wasn't the best place to be having a meeting of the… "Hey, we need a name."

"I'm Colin," the mousy boy volunteered. Ron suppressed the urge to grab his head. "No, I mean a _name_. A team name. Like how last year, we were the D.A.? Dumbledore's Army?"

"We could be the Harry James Potter Fighters!" Dennis suggested eagerly.

"Too long," Ron decided after a moment's consideration. "Besides, last year we wanted a name where no one would know what we were talking about if we had to say something about it."

"No one would know what we were talking about when we said Dumbledore's Army?" Dennis asked curiously.

"No! That's why we called it the D.A.," Colin explained eagerly. "Ron's right. We need something short and secret!" He actually giggled and his foot started tapping again. Ron clenched his jaw.

"You two could be the Jumping Beans," he muttered, remembering the Muggle name for a kind of plant.

"Jumping Beans?" Colin asked.

"Yeah!" Dennis said, jumping up again. He shot a nervous look at Ron and sat down. "Mexican Jumping Beans!"

"Or Mexicans, for short!" Colin said. "That's it, Dennis!"

"We're the Mexicans!" Dennis crowed in triumph.

Ron stared at them in horror. "What? No! We can't call ourselves the Mexicans-" He stopped. They were both looking at him curiously. Thoughts of spending the rest of his life in the library flashed through his head. Trying to decide for years on end what to call themselves… it was only for a short time, he told himself. "The Mexicans it is." Good thing there weren't any Spanish people at Hogwarts.

Dennis flung his arm out in triumph. Unfortunately, it was the arm attached to the hand currently holding his wand. A beam of yellow light shot out and hit one of the books. It promptly shot off the shelf and hovered in the air.

Ron shot a terrified look at Madame Pince's desk, but she'd apparently gone into the back room. "Dennis, put that down!" he whispered, afraid she'd come back.

"Oops!" Dennis cried, trying to move it. It wouldn't budge. Ron got a glimpse of the title: _Hogwarts, A History_.

"Hermione's going to kill me!" he said. "Put it _down,_ Dennis!"

Dennis yanked his wand… and the yellow light broke. The book fell down and landed heavily. The thickest book in the library dropped from a height of maybe ten feet and plummeted down… landing squarely on Ron's head.

He clapped his hand to his mouth and let out a muffled scream of frustration. "Okay, come on!" he snapped, yanking them to their feet. They followed him out the door and outside, exchanging terrified glances. He brought them to the stands on the Quidditch pitch. "Give me your wands," he demanded, glaring at them. They meekly placed them in his hands… _very_ carefully. "Now, run around the Quidditch pitch," he demanded, waving his arms. "Go on! And meet me back here when you're good and tired."

They started off, sprinting as fast as they could. Ron watched them grimly, but satisfied.

When they made it back to where Ron was waiting, they were about ready to collapse, but a great deal calmer. He handed them their wands, and then they very ungracefully climbed under the stands, so no one could see the three Mexicans plotting.

"Okay," Ron said, grateful he could say everything he needed to without being interrupted. "So. First, we need to find out Professor Malfoy's middle name. But time is of the essence, so we'll have to start on stage two right away. I've been thinking. We need to try and get Mr. Malfoy back into Azkaban, and in the meantime, we need to divert his attention from Harry. We can do that in one motion. Well, several, but with one plan. We need to get his attention to _us_. We need to make sure we take up all of his thought and plans to kill. He won't have time to focus on Harry. And maybe…" he swallowed hard. "Maybe he'll eventually attack one of us. Then he'll be exposed, and he'll go back to Azkaban- even Fudge couldn't let him out after deliberately attacking a student- and Harry will be safe."

He looked them over carefully. They were pale and trembling- that could have been from their little jog, though- but their faces were set and determined. "You're good men," he said, clapping them on the back. Of course, since they were sitting and he was standing, he was a good four feet taller and had to practically get to his knees to do so. "Before this Mexican meeting is dismissed, do any of you have a motion you'd like to bring forward?"

Colin raised his hand, and Ron acknowledged him. "I think, Ron, that we should have more people become Mexicans," he said. "It sounds like we're going to need help with this. Finding out Mr. Malfoy's middle name won't be easy."

"The rest of it, either," Ron mumbled. "Okay, that's a good suggestion, Colin. Do you have anyone in mind?"

"Er- Ginny, maybe," he suggested timidly. Immediately, Ron stepped over him, glowering.

"We're going to leave my baby sister _out_ of this!" he snapped.

"Er… Neville?" Dennis spoke up.

Ron nodded approvingly. "Neville will help us, I'm sure. And- maybe Luna."

"Luna Lovegood?" Colin asked. "Sure, she's in my year. I bet she'd help. She has sort of a thing for lost causes."

"This isn't a lost cause, but I think you're right," Ron said, nodding. "Okay, I think that's good."

"And I think we should elect you as our leader!" Dennis said with conviction. Ron tried to hide the pleased blush.

"I agree," Colin said, smiling. "You'll be the Head Mexican!"

They left the Quidditch pitch then, agreeing that Colin would talk to Luna and Ron would talk to Neville. They were to meet there again later that evening. In the words of Dennis Creevey, the Mexicans were rising up!

*~*~*

Ron's Defense Against the Dark Arts class happened to be right after the first meeting. He walked in the room and took a seat a few feet away from Neville, intending to make his Mexican proposition. But before he could talk to the chubby boy, Hermione stormed in the room and sat heavily next to him, looking particularly put out. "Something wrong?" he asked in a whisper.

She scowled at him. "I was in the library for a few minutes after lunch," she said angrily, "and some irresponsible _git_ left a copy of _Hogwarts, A History_ lying on the floor! How _dare_ they? It was in such a mess! It almost looked like they… I don't know, threw it on the ground or something! The cover was dirty and the pages were bent and page 1364- my favorite page, that's where it says you can't Apparate inside Hogwarts- was actually _torn_ down the side! I wish I knew who did it…"

Ron paled, but it was barely noticeable with his pallor. Hermione turned away in a huff, and Mr. Malfoy said coldly from the doorway, "Twenty points from Gryffindor, Weasley and Granger. No talking during class."

Ron gritted his teeth- it was completely unfair! They were allowed to talk _before_ classes! It hadn't started; Malfoy hadn't even been in the room. It was then he remembered that he had a job to do.

He quickly scribbled a note on a piece of parchment, hoping that Professor Malfoy would think he was simply taking notes. He waited until Lucius turned his back, and tossed the note lightly in Neville's direction.

It landed in his lap, and Ron had approximately .02 seconds to be proud of his good aim. Then Neville let out a startled "eep!" and actually jumped out of his seat.

"Longbottom!" Malfoy barked. "Ten points from Gryffindor! Stay in your seat during- oh, but what's this?"

Ron watched in sheer terror as Malfoy casually waved his arm. "_Accio Parchment_." He debated using his own wand to set it on fire, but decided that a mad dash to the door was better. Lucius unrolled the parchment and read in a drawling voice,

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Dear Neville,

Meet me under the stands in the Quidditch pitch at 8:00 tonight. I have a proposition for you.

-Ron

"Well, well, Weasley," Malfoy snickered. "Fascinating. I had no idea you were attracted to bumbling idiots, but I suppose we all have our preferences."

"What?" Ron blurted. Neville stared miserably at his desk. "I'm straight!" Ron continued in indignation.

"That would make Longbottom a girl, then," Malfoy said coldly.

Ron had a fleeting vision of Neville in a dress, with fake breasts, wearing makeup… he shook his head violently to get rid of the disgusting thoughts and protested, "But…"

"Detention, Weasley!" Lucius growled. "Don't contradict me."

Ron swallowed hard. Malfoy watched in satisfaction. "Are you done disturbing the class?" he asked smoothly.

"Er- actually-" Ron flushed. "I was just wondering what time that detention would be."

Malfoy raised an eyebrow: "Five o'clock is fine."

"Will- I, er- that is, how long- uh…" Ron determinedly looked away from Neville. "Will I be out by eight o'clock?"

Lucius smirked again. "I wouldn't _dream_ of interfering with young love," he said before continuing the lesson. Ron slunk low in his seat, avoiding everyone's laughing glances and eyes.

*~*~*

Seven thirty that night found Draco and Harry snogging furiously in one of the hallways. Draco moaned, getting considerably aroused. When they came up for air a few minutes later, they heard very distinctive voices floating down the hall- Snape and Lucius, coming their way.

"I just let Weasley out of detention," Malfoy was saying. "That family is trash, I tell you."

"That is probably so," Snape agreed. "What mayhem was he causing this time?"

"Discussing his rendezvous with the Longbottom boy," Lucius smirked.

"Weasley and Longbottom?" Snape asked thoughtfully. Well, it was either 'thoughtfully' or 'disgustedly.'

"Weasley was acting rather strange…" Lucius said slowly. "He asked me what my middle name was."

Snape snorted. "I don't think _I_ even know your middle name."

"It's Phineas," Lucius said offhandedly, "But I told him to just call me 'Lucius Great Snake Malfoy.'"

Draco felt his erection withering away. Harry looked at him, eyebrows raised, amusement apparent.

"You told a student to call you Great Snake?" Snape asked, sounding surprised.

"Of course!" Malfoy snapped. "I _am_ a Great Snake, Severus, as you should know well by now…"

Draco's jaw hit the floor. He grabbed onto Harry's arm, squeezing his lifeline. "Oh Merlin no," he whispered frantically. "I do not want to hear this, I do not want to hear this, I do not want to hear this…"

"Yes, yes, you are a very big Great Snake," Snape said patiently. "But do you think it's wise to tell a student? Much less a Weasley?"

"Jealous, Severus?" Lucius smirked. Draco hid his face in the Harry's chest. "Because, you know, I have my wife here. If you were hoping for a little visit to the dungeons, I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you. Unless you want me to bring Narcissa along?"

"No, no, that's okay," Snape said hastily. "And Lucius, much as I respect you, I just would never think of you that way. I believe I'm straight, actually."

"Are you sure?" Lucius lowered his voice to a purr he no doubt thought Snape would find sexy. Draco fought back a sob; Harry fought back a laugh. "No one can resist my Great Snake."

Draco suddenly realized that they were about to turn the corner and see him crying into Harry's robes. He quickly straightened, put on a bored expression, and hissed at Harry, "Bite my neck!"

Harry looked at him in surprise for a second, then shrugged. "Works for me," he said.

So when Professors Snape and Malfoy turned the corner, they saw an aloof-looking Draco letting Harry suck and kiss his neck. Draco looked like he was six seconds away from puking, and that wasn't faked, but he knew Lucius would interpret it incorrectly. He looked at his father and shrugged. Malfoy Sr. cast him an approving look- Snape just scowled and shook his head.

"Draco, come with us," Malfoy commanded.

"Okay, Harry," Draco said in a very exaggerated voice. "I'm going to leave you now, but don't worry, I'll be back. I _love _you so _much_, remember, good boy."

Harry caught on quickly and nodded eagerly. "Bye-bye, Draco-kins!" he called in a sickeningly sweet voice. "I looooove you!"

Draco fought back a laugh as he trailed obediently behind his father. This was working out well so far- maybe they would get lucky after all.

It suddenly occurred to him to wonder where they were headed. As far as he knew, the only thing at this end of Hogwarts was the temporary chambers his father happened to be staying in. And that was the absolute _last_ place on earth he wanted to go to right about now. Especially not with Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and the Great Snake.

Sure enough, they reached the room. Lucius opened the door and they filed in. Draco looked around wildly for his mother, who might possibly come to his rescue if she wasn't laughing her ass off in the corner, but she was nowhere to be seen.

Lucius put his hands on his son's shoulders and led him to the center of the room. He took a step back. Draco stood warily as Snape and Lucius circled around him, like sharks going in for the kill, looking in places he generally let only Harry look. "Drop your pants," Lucius commanded.

"Wh-what?" Draco asked, suddenly feeling dizzy. He looked pleadingly at Professor Snape- he was supposed to be the favorite student! But Snape only shook his head grimly and mouthed 'It's for your own good, Draco.'

"You heard me," Lucius said sternly. "Drop your pants. We're going to help you name it."

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A/N: God, I freak myself out. Where did I come _up _with that? Eww… Anyway, don't worry, I wouldn't put any actual action between those three. They're just going to help him pick out a name. -_-

Now I have some semblance of a plot in mind- yes, you guessed it, it'll have something to do with the Mexicans. ^_^ But still, suggestions are welcome! I've actually used a really good one from a reviewer. So go ahead, share your creativity! ~_^

Okay, what with all the drama of the @%#!*& computer, I won't be responding to my reviewers anymore… unless something is either important, they have a question, or I owe them thanks. ^_^ And YOU SHOULD REVIEW TOO! I hear it's good for your health, sanity, and wealth. Um… just trust me on this!

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cloudymind-14: People, you owe a big thanks for this awesome suggestion! I thought it was _brilliant_ and I used it as best I could. (**cloudymind-14** suggested some mild Snape/Lucius slash) I wrote in Narcissa before I got the suggestion, so things got a bit complicated, but I'll be trying to weave it in. ^_^ You'll see what I mean next chapter… Oh, and on a personal note: I'm so honored! Thank you!

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Shelli: Oh yes, I definitely agree with you. Which is why the Mexicans will be making a giant mess of things. LOL.

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Hypergurl20022: I should warn you, I'm absolutely horrible at writing actual sex. But if you mean stuff like the Room of Requirements scene last chapter, yeah, I'll try to put more with that. Thanks for reviewing again!


	4. Meet Shaggy!

Everyone Knows ****

Summary: Sequel to Telling Everyone. Harry and Draco are dating happily, but nothing's guaranteed. Lucius Malfoy is out of Azkaban and… their teacher? They'll be in trouble if he finds out that they're together, but how can they keep it a secret when Everyone Knows?

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Disclaimer: Harry Potter and co. are definitely not mine. I double-checked, just in case. Not mine.

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A/N: This takes place two weeks after Telling Everyone. Just FYI ^_^ The characters are a bit OOC, but I think it's necessary for this crazy plot. The rating is now definitely R… oh, and before I forget:

This story (as well as Telling Everyone) is archived both at FanFiction.net and at Serenitas's website: www.draconis-carpe-noctem.com. If you're a Slytherin supporter, or just a Harry Potter fan in general, I would really recommend taking a look at this awesome site. ^_^

Review! I absolutely love all my reviewers. Well, except the ones whining about the ships. If you don't like Harry/Draco, you should not have gotten this far.

Oh, and a big thanks to my beta, **Dragon's 1 Girl**! (If you're a Harry/Draco shipper, you could check out her stories too. Yeah, shameless plug.)

*~*~*

Draco started thanking Merlin he wasn't wearing the boxers with Harry's name on them. Or the thong with Harry's face on it. Or the boxers that squeaked "I love Harry!" every time he got an erection (not that that was about to happen here…). Or the boxers with the picture of Harry's…

Well, he was glad he wasn't wearing them. Today he'd worn a nice, safe green. And since he and Harry hadn't had sex yet (had the world stopped spinning? Had Professor Trelawney's predictions come true? Had Hermione failed an exam?), they were relatively clean.

He pulled them down slowly, willing himself not to be embarrassed. This was his father! He'd seen it all before.

True, he wouldn't be able to look Professor Snape in the eye for the rest of the year, but that wasn't such a big loss. It wasn't exactly a beautiful face to look at. (A/N: SO sorry for all those Snape lovers out there… I love him too! But think about how Draco, that perfectly manicured little platinum blondie, would think about someone who didn't wash his hair! 'Eeeek!' LOL I'm shutting up.)

"I'm impressed," Snape said, nodding.

Lucius shot Draco a dirty look. "Well, perhaps you're not as hopeless as I thought," he said disdainfully, "but of course-" he shot a sly glance at Snape- "you'll never be a match for me."

Any other time, Draco would have been offended. But he was too embarrassed to be anything. Actually, come to think of it, he was kind of amused. Was his father jealous because his Potions Master complimented his son on his size?

Maybe one of Professor Trelawney's predictions really had come true.

"We want to keep up the Slytherin tradition," Snape said, and Draco fought back totally inappropriate giggles at how business-like he sounded. "Basilisk?"

"Hey, I like it," Draco said, suddenly getting into it. He looked down- of course, he was entirely _un_excited right now, but… "Basilisk."

"Oh, no," Lucius interrupted brusquely. "That's another name I commonly use for myself. We can't have that."

Draco made a face. Figures. "We could name it Nagini," he suggested suddenly. Ha! What a tricky move. What better way to express fake loyalty to Lord Voldemort, resident evil-bad-guy-out-to-kill-your-boyfriend, than by naming your family jewels after his pet basilisk, who Draco happened to actually be very fond of?

There was _so_ much wrong with that sentence.

"Suck-up," Snape muttered in a very childish way. "The Dark Lord will love it."

"Yes, I'm sure he would…" Lucius said thoughtfully. "Too bad I thought of it first, Draco. I'm often known as Nagini."

"Darn," Draco frowned. It occurred to him to wonder _'often' by who?…_ "How many names do you have, anyway, Father?"

"Enough…" Lucius answered airily. He shot another side-glance at Snape and lowered his voice. "Enough to be deserving of my greatness," he added silkily.

How many sixth-years stood, naked from the waist down, in their teacher's room while he, who also happened to be said sixth-year's father, flirted with another greasy teacher? Not many. Draco wondered idly why he was so calm, but guessed that he would suffer the largest breakdown in Hogwarts since the splitting of Salazar Slytherin from the school as soon as he was out of the room. Hey, maybe he'd make it into the latest edition of _Hogwarts, A History_. Hermione'd be reading about him and memorizing the exact names Lucius and Snape were suggesting. He brushed the thought off as can-wait-until-later.

"Greatness…" he mused aloud. "Maybe I can call it 'Highness," or 'Majesty,' or something along the royalty lines." _Tzar_, he thought, but didn't say it aloud. Would he really want Harry to be screaming, 'Oh Draco! Your beautiful Tzar!' at the moment of ecstasy? Well, maybe once or twice would be cool (not to mention erotic) but for a lifetime?

Yes, he _was_ planning on shagging Harry for a lifetime, thank you very much!

Of course, this brought unbidden and horrifying images of Harry, as old as Albus Dumbledore with a beard down to his naked…

Lucius looked over at Snape, who was nodding his approval, and his mouth stiffened. "I'm called 'Highness' as well as 'Majesty,' Draco," he said sharply.

Waaaiiit… he was sensing a pattern here…

Draco shot a quizzical look at Snape, who sighed, shrugged, and nodded.

"How about…" Draco searched his memory, looking for something he would like having Harry shriek every night. He had a funny feeling this would be the name he kept. This funny feeling had something to do with the wink Professor Snape threw at him.

"I like the name Shaggy," he announced. Yep, it went with Hairy, and he wasn't quite ready to give up on that, as well as described what he did with it.

Lucius opened his mouth, probably to claim that as well, but Snape beat him to it. "I must confess I'm not overly fond of that name, Draco," he said smoothly. "You need a name more… manly, strong, sexy… like your father." Snape had the same look in his eyes that he got when Neville exploded a cauldron in Potions. A strong desire to kill something. Luckily, Lucius didn't recognize that.

"Now, Severus," he said, grinning broadly. "We should let young Draco have what he desires, don't you agree?" He leaned in so far that Draco bet he could see the little balls of grease in Snape's hair. "We all have to give in to our desires," he purred.

"Excellent, Shaggy it is, want to walk out with me Professor Snape?" Draco said in one breath, making it to the door in record time. Snape had saved him (sort of), it was time to pay him back.

"Of course I will, Draco, good-bye Lucius," Snape said, moving equally fast to the door. They yanked it open and climbed out, ignoring the suspicious looks Lucius was throwing at them.

Draco let out a big sigh once they were far enough away from the classroom. "That was embarrassing," he said, shooting a look at Professor Snape, who still had the must-kill-either-boy-with-exploding-cauldrons-or-horny-Lucius look in his eyes. He abruptly broke into unmanly giggles. "My daddy wants to shag you!" he squeaked out, doubling over in laugher.

Snape scowled his blackest scowl. "You're giving gay boys a bad name," he said, watching the blonde boy giggling.

"Hey, I resent that!" Draco protested. "Not all gay boys giggle. Just the insane ones." This set him off again, and Snape stalked off.

Severus was so angry with Draco he didn't tell him he'd left his boxers back in Lucius's chambers.

*~*~*

Luckily for Draco, the first person he met was Harry, once he calmed down enough to walk.

"Hey, Harry!" he said happily, not noticing how abruptly the boy stopped walking, or how his emerald eyes grew smoky behind the glasses. "You wouldn't believe what happened between Snape and Father and me! Oh, don't worry, it's not like that. Or maybe it is. See, they were helping me pick out a name for myself." He stuck a pose, and Harry's mouth fell open. "Say good-bye to the temporary and ever-shifting names of Hairy, Harry's, Harry's Baby- not that those weren't fantastic, but I've got a permanent name. Say hello to Shaggy!"

He looked triumphantly at Harry, but he was no longer standing in front of him. He felt sudden, fantastic hot breath and looked down quickly. It was then he realized he wasn't wearing pants. Harry was crouched in front of him, mouth hovering an inch away from his now-throbbing organ.

"Hello, Shaggy," he whispered before closing his mouth over it.

*~*~*

Peeves swooped down the near-deserted hallway, following the sound of shrieks. Oh how he loved screams of agony!

But once he got there, he found out that it was far from agony for Harry and Draco were experiencing. He flew away as fast as he possibly could. Once he recovered from the initial shock, however, he began cackling again. What a story the ghosts were going to have tonight!

*~*~*

Neville crept under the Quidditch stands, shaking like a mouse. Ron and the Creevey brothers were waiting for him, and Luna was sitting off to the sides, staring at the underside of the stands dreamily.

"Neville. You're here," Ron said brusquely. "Good. Do you know what this is?" he asked, motioning around at his little group.

Neville squeaked.

"What?" Ron asked, frowning.

"He said, 'eep!'" Colin piped up.

"Shut it," Ron said. "What did you say, Neville?"

When the poor boy's answer came, it was barely perceptible. "O-o-"

"Say that one more time," Ron said as nicely as he could, fighting to hold on to his patience.

"Orgy?" Neville squeaked again.

Ron's jaw dropped, and Luna looked up in momentary but obvious shock. Then she chuckled a little and resumed her serene staring.

"No!" Ron blurted. "No! Nothing like that, Neville! Oh, ew! No!" He smacked the side of his head a few times.

Neville blushed a terrific red, but looked immensely relieved. "Oh, good," he said, sitting shakily on the grass.

"What's an orgy?" Dennis asked innocently.

Ron shut his eyes. Maybe if he ignored him…

"It's a group of three or more people, boys or girls, who get together at one time and have sex," Colin explained cheerfully. The fact that it was technically accurate didn't help Ron's stomach.

"Oh." Dennis paused. "What's sex?"

"No!" Ron exploded, but Colin thought about it.

"I know the fundamentals, Dennis, but I think maybe Ron could describe it much better," he said, turning expectantly.

Ron opened his mouth wordlessly, trying to protest. He finally blurted, "But we need to talk about Mexican business!"

"Mexican?" Neville asked. Luna stood up, walked over to Ron, and sat down next to Neville. Colin and Dennis scooted over to make a circle, all faces turned to Ron. He couldn't help but enjoy the attention…

"Ron will tell you after he explains sex," Colin said confidently.

And that was how Ron spent the first fifteen minutes of the Mexican meeting explaining how tab A fit into slot B.

*~*~*

"I want to try that!" Dennis said enthusiastically. "It sounds fun!"

"No!" Neville, Colin, and Ron all yelled at once. Luna just edged slightly away, suddenly looking extremely nervous.

"No sex until you're eighteen," Colin said sternly.

"Awww…"

"Right!" Ron said, switching gears abruptly. "Mexicans." He and the Creevey brothers stared menacingly at Neville and Luna. "It's a top-secret group founded and designed expressly for the purposes of protecting one Harry James Potter, who by wizarding code is designated as an international hero for his significant part in the downfall and prevention of immediate rise of You-Know-Who, and has therefore become a prime target for a group of baneful individuals known as Death Eaters, one or more (I still don't trust that greasy bat, either!) of whom currently resides in this here castle, commonly known as Hogwarts, and who must therefore be guarded with our very lives, if the situation were to call for it." He took a deep breath and put the piece of paper with his little speech written on it away. Good thing he'd come prepared. Neville and Luna were looking at him blankly, though it was a little hard to tell with Luna.

"Harry's not eighteen," Dennis said suddenly.

Ron frowned. Glad he'd put so much effort into that run-on sentence!

"But Harry's having sex with Draco," Dennis continued, frowning. Ron closed his eyes.

"Yeah, but Harry's a pervert and a sex-fiend." He'd apologize later. It wasn't _really_ true, but hopefully it'd get Dennis off his back. Er…

Oh, no, being a pervert was contagious.

"How did you find that out?" Colin demanded.

Dennis shrugged. "I heard him saying something to Draco about looking forward to a good shagging that evening."

"_And you didn't put it in the book_?" Colin asked, thunderstruck.

"I didn't know what it meant!" Dennis whined. "Oh, actually, I still don't. Does Draco have a 'Slot B?"

Ron resigned himself to explaining again. Neville nervously pulled his legs together, as if he were afraid Ron was going to jump on him and do him right then and there. He thought he'd made it perfectly clear he was straight! Even if he wasn't, he at least had some self-control. Unlike his sex-crazy friend, who was at the moment giving Draco a blow job in the middle of the hallway. He didn't know it at the time, of course, but if he had, it wouldn't have surprised him.

"Oh, wow," Dennis said eagerly. "Can I do that?"

"Absolutely not!" Ron said, shuddering.

"But Harry does it!" Dennis said, pouting.

"No! It's still sex! You can't shag anyone until you're eighteen!" Colin said firmly.

Ron was accustomed to seeing Dennis's small, mousy face, so it was a surprise when the boy's face narrowed… looking positively evil. Colin, who knew what was coming, plugged his ears.

"_I! WANT! SEEEX!!"_ Dennis hollered. Ron's jaw dropped, and his ears rung with the sound of the scream. He fancied he could hear it echoing off the Hogwarts grounds… or maybe that was it still reverberating in his skull.

"Ron?" Ginny asked in utter shock.

He turned to see his little sister, peering through looking at the small group in disbelief. "Oh. Hi, Ginny. Er… what are you doing out here?"

"Walking…" she said slowly. "With Dean," she added after a moment's hesitation. "Do not look at me that way, Ronald Weasley! You're the one hiding under the bleachers with Dennis, who's screaming about how he wants sex." A horrible thought seemed to strike her. "You're not going to give him any…"

"No!" Ron yelped. "Go away, Ginny!"

She scowled. "That's nice, thanks a lot Ron." She moved away, grabbing Dean's hand. He waved sheepishly at Ron before she stormed away, dragging him with her.

The Mexicans finally got down to business, seeing as it was probably statistically impossible to embarrass themselves more. At least until the next day.

****

A/N: Okay, I realize that last part was a little rushed, but you didn't really want to hear Ron explaining what they're going to do _again_, did you? Didn't think so. Next chapter… you know when that'll be out. Tuesday!

And… REVIEW! Reviewing has been statistically proven to cure baldness, depression, obesity, and poverty. Don't ask what statistics I used. Just review!


	5. Jack O'Lanterns and Acromantulas

Everyone Knows ****

Summary: Sequel to Telling Everyone. Harry and Draco are dating happily, but nothing's guaranteed. Lucius Malfoy is out of Azkaban and… their teacher? They'll be in trouble if he finds out that they're together, but how can they keep it a secret when Everyone Knows?

****

Disclaimer: I'm not doing this again! I'm sick of it! I don't own anything, and I'm almost positive I won't be owning Harry Potter by the end of this fic. So that's how long this applies!

****

A/N: This story (as well as Telling Everyone) is archived both at FanFiction.net and at Serenitas's website: www.draconis-carpe-noctem.com. If you're a Slytherin supporter, or just a Harry Potter fan in general, I would really recommend taking a look at this awesome site. ^_^

Review! I absolutely love all my reviewers. Well, except the ones whining about the ships. If you don't like Harry/Draco, you should not have gotten this far.

::cough:: This chapter might not be as funny. And it's a bit shorter… sorry bout that. You'll have to tell me what you think. And _read the author's note at the bottom!_ But for now, I hope you enjoy the chapter! ^_^

*~*~*

Ron gave Neville a sharp nod and a pat on the back before they entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Surprisingly, Neville didn't appear nervous. On the contrary, his face was set and determined, and looked almost excited to have an important mission.

Lucius Malfoy was sitting at his desk, scribbling away at something with an intense look on his face. He looked up in surprise as Ron and Neville boldly took seats in the very front row. "You're early," he commented, slightly annoyed.

Ron shrugged brightly. "My favorite class!" he said. Neville nodded emphatically.

Lucius Great Snake Malfoy simply stared at him. After thirty seconds, in which Ron began to feel extremely uncomfortable: "You're an hour early."

"So?"

"Ten points from Gryffindor," he said calmly, almost happily, and resumed his writing.

Ron wanted to know what he was writing.

Ron also wanted to get Professor Malfoy annoyed with him.

This had nothing to do with wanting to impress Neville. He was _straight_, goddamn it!

Ron stood up and walked over to Professor Malfoy and bent directly over the desk, reading what he found to be a letter to Professor Snape.

__

Severus,

How did you sleep last night? Oh, haha, silly me, I know how you slept. You couldn't stop thinking of me, could you? Don't think I didn't notice how you refused to look at me at breakfast. I know you're completely obsessed over me.

There's something going on between you and Narcissa, isn't there? Isn't there?? She kept looking at you this morning and laughing. You can't hide anything from me!

You and Draco are lovers. I know it. You couldn't stop staring at his 'Shaggy' last night. What the hell? I'm bigger than that!

But don't worry, I know how you really feel about me. When you ever get your courage, you know where I'll be. And what I'll be wearing.

"You have some serious issues," Ron commented.

"_Mister Weasley_!" Lucius bellowed. "_What the hell do you think you're doing_?"

"Reading," he said. "And trying to figure out your complex persona. Let me get this straight. Snape loves you. No, wait, he's having an affair with your wife. Actually, he's lusting after your son. But underneath all this, he wants you." 

"Actually, he just wants me," Lucius said proudly. "The rest of this crap is just to make him feel guilty for not gathering his courage and therefore allegedly making me suspicious. But I have more self-confidence then that."

"You should see a relationship expert," Ron commented.

"Do you know a good one?"

Ron sighed. "Well, I wish I did! You wouldn't believe the stuff I have to deal with. People keep thinking I'm gay. My own sister thought I was going to give Dennis Creevey sex. And Neville suspected me of inviting him to an orgy!"

Malfoy sighed in sympathy. "We should find one together," he said. "I'll make you a deal. If you find a good relationship expert, I'll pay."

"Really?" Ron asked excitedly. "I bet I could find one. Hey, thanks a lot!"

__

BOOM!

As the dust cleared, Ron looked over at Professor Malfoy and saw to his satisfaction that his head was a pumpkin.

Actually, he mused, it would technically be a jack o'lantern, right? It had eyes, and a mouth that was currently hanging open in shock. He wondered if there was a little candle inside that lit up when Lucius got an idea.

Okay, now his thoughts were just getting weird.

*~*~*

__

Mexican Agenda, Goal 1:

Ronald Weasley will distract Lucius Great Snake Malfoy, and attempt to befriend him, while Neville Longbottom Transfigures his head into a watermelon.

*~*~*

Well, it wasn't a watermelon, but he supposed this was good enough. Neville had always been horrible at Transfiguration.

"_TURN! IT! BACK!_" the jack o'lantern bellowed. "_Look at what you've done to my hair!_"

*~*~*

Harry and Draco sat on one of the staircases. Their heads were resting against each other, creating a lovely picture Narcissa had once commented on, dark against light. Their arms were around each other's shoulders. Harry had one leg curled up under him and the other stretching out. Draco had one leg stretched out.

The other leg was mostly submerged in the trick stair.

"You know, this is nice," Harry spoke up. "We don't do this enough."

"Just sit together," Draco agreed. "You're right. Maybe we have sex too much."

Silence.

"Naah," they agreed as one.

"Maybe we just don't spend enough time together," Harry suggested, moving his other arm to wrap around Draco.

"That's it," the blonde agreed. "But we spend every hour we possibly can together. I guess there aren't just enough hours in the day."

"Mmmm," Harry agreed.

"You boys could at least do something resembling subtle," Narcissa said, trotting down the stairs behind them.

Harry twisted around. "Hello, Mrs. Malfoy," he said, smiling.

"Hi, Mum," Draco said, trying to twist his head. "D'you think you could help me? I'm a bit stuck. Blasted stairs," he muttered under his breath.

"I'll do it," Harry said, standing up lazily. He put his arms under Draco's and hauled him upward.

"Potter!" Draco said indignantly. "You bloody could have done that three hours ago! My leg's fallen asleep!" To prove it, he collapsed in a dramatic heap.

"I liked you like that," Harry smirked. "Made me feel dominant for once."

"I have some fuzzy handcuffs you could use," Narcissa offered. Harry gracefully collapsed next to Draco. "Lucius and I don't use them anymore. He's evolved to the full-body chains and whips."

"I challenge any kid who says _their_ parents are embarrassing," Draco muttered.

"What color are the handcuffs?" Harry asked interestedly.

*~*~*

"You come to DADA."

"I bloody will not! I'm going to fail Charms. You come with me."

"If you're going to fail Charms, then missing one more class won't hurt you. On the other hand, I've got a reputation as a DADA master to uphold. I'll show everyone I can fight Dark wizards even with my lover chained to me."

"You make it sound so erotic."

Harry shook his head despairingly. "We shouldn't have been in such a hurry to try out the handcuffs."

"Who knew they were magical handcuffs?" Draco asked reasonably.

"The fact that they were glowing should have tipped us off."

Draco gave Harry a lopsided smile. "We could always fulfill the requirements…"

"Don't tempt me!" Harry said in a slightly strangled voice. "I can't have sex right before Defense Against the Dark Arts. That would totally screw up my performance."

Draco shook his head. "You sound so serious," he teased. "Oof!"

Harry had looked at his watch, saw that there were only five minutes left until the start of class, and promptly dragged Draco down the hall to the classroom. Lucius lifted an eyebrow (yes, Neville had turned him back) when he saw his son come in after Harry.

"Draco, what are you…" his voice trailed off. His gaze traveled to the handcuffs, which turned out to be pink, and his mouth formed a smirk. Those in the class that recognized the magical object began snickering. The magical handcuffs, once clipped to somebody, could not be undone until said person had sex. Harry and Draco, in momentary amusement, had fastened one end to each of their wrists. And now they weren't coming off. Hence the argument about who was going with who to class.

Harry lifted his chin determinedly and sat down in his desk. Unfortunately, the closest desk to his was… far. Draco ended up on the floor.

"Ha-rry…" he whined.

Harry glanced down, and the corner of his mouth twitched. "Sit in my lap," he suggested.

The boys were rather distracted through the first fifteen minutes of class. Professor Malfoy, despite his 'supreme git-ness,' as Narcissa had put it to the couple, wasn't a bad teacher. Today, he had decided to let them do a little hands-on training. "I have an Acromantula in this closet. You'll go in one by one and try to face it." Ron made a disgusted face and vowed that he'd rather kiss Neville than face the spider.

No! See, kissing Neville was a _bad_ thing. Because he was straight, damnit! How many times did he have to say that?

Harry raised his hand- the one not currently attached to Draco- intending to ask how he was going to go in one by one when he was two. No, he didn't understand it either.

"Any volunteers?" Lucius asked. "Thank you, Mister Potter."

"Huh? Oh- actually… Well, I guess I'll just go," he said uncertainly, looking at Draco and shrugging.

Draco opened his eyes in panic. "No!" he said frantically, but before he knew it, Harry had dragged him into the closet.

"Come on out, spider!" Harry called boldly.

"Harry, we left our wands back by the stairs!" Draco whispered urgently.

Harry gulped.

*~*~*

The class listened to screams of pain and horror floating from the closet. Ron winced as Harry shrieked particularly loudly. "D'you reckon he's okay?" he asked no one in particular.

"He'll be fine," Hermione said confidently. "He's really good in Defense Against the Dark Arts. As long as he has his wand, he'll beat the Acromantula easily."

The door opened and Narcissa waltzed in. "Hello, all," she said cheerfully. Lucius looked at her disinterestedly… probably wondering what she'd look like with sallow skin, crooked teeth, and greasy black hair. What was wrong with him, anyway? "Look what Harry and Draco left!" she said, holding up two bags. "Where are they, anyway? Their quills are in here… not to mention their wands! They'll need those."

Ron and Hermione's jaws dropped. Neville went white. Even Lucius managed to look concerned. The Gryffindors sucked their breaths in with horror.

And the closet door swung open, revealing a beaming Harry and Draco. "Professor Malfoy, do you think it was _that_ closet the Acromantula is in?" Harry asked innocently, pointing at the door across the classroom.

Silence. Everyone looked at each other. Ron slowly stood up, walked over, opened the door, and slammed it shut. Face white, body shaking, he launched himself across the room and planted a kiss on Neville's lips.

"Don't look at me that way!" he told the class as Neville hid under his desk, shaking. "I'm straight! There is a logical explanation to this!"

"What were you doing in the closet, then?" Hermione asked reasonably, seeming to be the only one in the room keeping her wits. It was then that she noticed that Harry's and Draco's wrists were no longer chained together.

*~*~*

Ron received an owl at breakfast the next morning. He skimmed the parchment it delivered, grinned broadly, and gave Lucius Malfoy the thumbs-up sign. The blonde hurriedly got up from the Head Table and met Ron outside.

"Found a relationship expert," he said excitedly. "The weird thing, he used to be a patient in Saint Mungo's. Everyone thought he would be in there for life. But I guess if you can make it out of Azkaban to become our substitute teacher, he can make it out of Saint Mungo's and become a relationship expert."

"Who is it, Weasley?" Lucius asked, trying to mask his excitement. Finally, he'd be getting some professional help!

***A/N: All right, people, this is important. I need some help here!***

As you may have noticed, I've been drifting towards a bit of Neville/Ron. I honestly didn't mean to, my plot bunny has a mind of its own!

But I'm considering putting Ron with someone definitely. Neville/Ron would be my ideal choice, I guess, but I don't have a real preference. So I guess I'll let you guys decide. Tell me if you want straight Ron, gay Ron, or single Ron. And if you choose to have Ron hook up with someone, please tell me who!

**Vote in a review!!** And I really want your advice on this, people. Ships with the most votes wins, I guess that's fair. Cutoff date… um, I guess Monday (Sunday night), and I'll try and write the 6th chapter quick but because of that it might be a little delayed.

And the last thing – anyone have any good _Mexican Agenda – Goals_? Stick 'em in a review. I'll give you credit if I decide to use them. But I could always use inspiration. ^_^

Thanks for all the people who try and help me out!!

And hey… anyone have a guess as to the identity of the relationship expert? (Now that I asked that, I'm sure you'll start thinking and get it.) Hehe.


	6. Pink, and yet another Howler

Everyone Knows ****

Summary: Sequel to Telling Everyone. Harry and Draco are dating happily, but nothing's guaranteed. Lucius Malfoy is out of Azkaban and… their teacher? They'll be in trouble if he finds out that they're together, but how can they keep it a secret when Everyone Knows?

****

A/N: This story (as well as Telling Everyone) is archived both at FanFiction.net and at Serenitas's website: www.draconis-carpe-noctem.com. If you're a Slytherin supporter, or just a Harry Potter fan in general, I would really recommend taking a look at this awesome site. ^_^

Review! I absolutely love all my reviewers. Well, except the ones whining about the ships. If you don't like Harry/Draco, you should not have gotten this far.

Ron/Neville forever! Thanks to those who voted and I'm glad most of you agreed with me. I probably would have done R/N even if it didn't get any votes, so this way I actually look fair! Woo-hoo!

More author's notes at the bottom, but for now read and enjoy!

*~*~*

"Ow!" Harry said, rubbing his head.

"Ouch!" Draco whined, smoothing down his hair.

"That was for you-" Narcissa pointed at Draco, scowling, "and you." She gestured towards Harry.

"But I got hit first," Harry said, sounding confused.

"Well, then, switch," she said, sounding irritated. "Hurry up, I've got something to say to you."

Harry smacked Draco lightly on the head. "Hey, that hurt!"

"It couldn't have hurt that much," Harry pointed out, rolling his eyes.

"It hurt my looks," Draco said, smoothing down his hair again. "Why are people against me today?" He reached over and cuffed Harry.

"Hey!"

"That's settled," Narcissa said, sounding satisfied. "Now, I suppose you'd like to know why I hit you?"

"Naaah," Harry said, rubbing his chin. "It happens a lot."

Draco hid a grin and kissed Harry's head where he had hit it. 

"Ouch! Hey! Mum! Stop hitting me!"

Narcissa frowned. "Draco, you're being far too obvious. Your father may look stupid, but he didn't get as far as he did by being dense."

"No, he got as far as he did by luck, killing people, and bribing others," Draco muttered.

"And sleeping with others," Narcissa added. Harry and Draco looked at her in shock. "What? It's not like I was a complying little wife, either. Neither of us minded."

Draco put his arms around Harry. "But are you sure I'm Daddy's baby?" he said sadly, sounding like he was going to cry. Harry patted him on the back.

"With your hair?"

Harry let out a snort and Draco grinned into his robes. "Right, mum. So… er, why did you hit us?"

She sighed. "Your father has noticed how natural you and Harry look together."

"Thanks!"

"No! Draco, pay attention. You've been acting far too complying for someone who's being forced to date Harry. Lucius- sorry, your father- has noticed and he's going to be watching you very closely from now on."

They remained silent, looking at each other a bit sadly and a bit sheepishly. Harry sighed heavily.

"Maybe we shouldn't have slept together five feet away from him," Draco muttered.

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "Watch yourselves, boys. And Draco, that means no sobbing into Harry's shoulder!"

Draco pulled away, scowling.

"We'll manage this," Harry said confidentially. "I have a plan. Gotta go now! See you at dinner!" And he sped away.

*~*~*

Ron handed Lucius the scrap of paper with the relationship counselor's address. Lucius read it silently and nodded, taking out the Floo powder. "I'll go first," he said, stepping into the fireplace.

After he disappeared in a whirl of green flames, Ron rushed over and unlocked the door. Colin, Dennis, Neville, and Luna stepped nervously into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. "Here," Ron said, pulling two scrolls out of his robes. "Do these. Malfoy and I should be away a good two hours, but we'll definitely be back before dinner. So hurry up and be out of here long before then! Good luck, Neville."

"What about the rest of us?" Colin asked indignantly. Ron flushed bright red.

"Oh! Right. Good luck, everyone!" He scurried over to the fireplace and tossed in a handful of the Floo powder. "Gilderoy Lockhart's Office!"

*~*~*

"Why is Ron seeing Lockhart?" Neville asked curiously.

"Relationship counseling," Dennis said wisely, while Colin nodded sagely. Neville flushed and quickly turned to the two scrolls he was holding. He handed one of them to Luna and unrolled the first one.

"Why did Ron need all this paper just to write that one little sentence?" Colin wondered.

"Fancy heading," Luna spoke up, looking over. At the top of the paper, in huge, scrawling letters, it read: The Mexicans. Underneath was a list of all the members.

*~*~*

Founder: Ronald Weasley

Head Mexican: Ronald Weasley

Tallest Member: Ronald Weasley

Smartest Member: Ronald Weasley

Bravest Member: Ronald Weasley

Most Important Member: Ronald Weasley

Strongest Member: Ronald Weasley

Most Sexy Member: Neville Longbottom (strikethrough) Ronald Weasley (Damnit! I didn't write that!)

Shortest Member: Dennis Creevey

Loudest Member: Dennis Creevey

Most Annoying Member: Colin Creevey

Most Spacey Member: Luna Lovegood

Most Forgetful-But-Still-Adorable Member: _I mean_, Most Forgetful Member: Neville Longbottom

*~*~*

****

MEXICAN GOAL: _Ronald Weasley and Lucius Great Snake Malfoy will, by Ronald's persuading, visit a relationship expert, foolishly leaving the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom unattended, while the rest of the Mexicans redecorate it to their liking._

*~*~*

"We can do that!" Dennis said enthusiastically, jumping up and down. "It'll be fun!"

*~*~*

"Ron! Fabulous to see you again!" Gilderoy Lockhart said enthusiastically.

"Pink," Ron said.

Lucius smiled, looking around the office. It was decorated entirely in pink. "Yes, I must confess, it nearly blinded me when I arrived. But I've grown rather fond of it in so short a time."

Ron blinked a few times and took a seat on a very soft (pink) chair. He immediately sank at least a foot down. "Oof! Er, so how are you, Professor… er, Counselor Lockhart?"

"Now, now, none of that professional stuff," Lockhart chuckled. "Call me Gild."

"How appropriate," Ron muttered. (**A/N:** That's for those of you who know what gild means! It is very appropriate, isn't it?) "Well, Gild, how are you? Is your memory back?"

He smiled, showing more teeth than Ron imagined would be on a shark. "Yes, young Weasley, almost entirely." His forehead creased. "I must confess, though, that I cannot remember a single thing about how I actually lost my memory in the first place. It's a complete blank."

Ron winced. Whoops. Darn his wand. Although, it did get Lockhart out of the DADA job; and anyway he was probably better at this.

"So!" he beamed, clapping his hands. "Let's get started. You first, Lucius!"

Ron listened patiently as Lucius described how overwhelmingly in love with him Snape was, and how he didn't know what to do since everyone else wanted him, and how Snape was just too shy to approach him anyhow. Gild nodded sympathetically. "You're in a tough spot," he said at the end. "What I would recommend, however, is getting yourself alone with Severus. Hopefully, no one will see you and get jealous, and Sev will feel more comfortable about approaching you."

Ron rolled his eyes. "You're counseling him to have an affair!" he said. "And who would want to cheat on Narcissa with _Snape_, anyway?"

"Everyone wants Severus!" Lockhart said, sounding shocked. "Hell- oh dear, pardon my language. Goodness, even _I_ want Severus!"

Lucius suddenly looked very menacing, and Ron's eyebrows shot up. "You mean you're gay?" he asked. Come to think of it, why was he so surprised?

"Oh, I swing both ways," Gild said airily, "After all, _everyone_ wants me, and I don't want to automatically put anyone out of hope!" He laughed a bit. "Now, what's your problem, Ron?"

"Everyone thinks I'm gay!" Ron whined.

"Well, are you?"

"No!" he responded immediately.

Gild looked thoughtful, an unusual sight. "You answered that question awfully fast," he said. "Are you sure?"

Ron considered. "Here, let me help you out," Lockhart offered. "Give me the name of a handsome boy you know."

"Neville," he said immediately, then clamped his hand over his mouth. "Ugh!"

"All right," Lockhart said, sounding satisfied. "Now." He leaned back in his chair calmly. "Picture Neville on your bed. Naked. Bound up in chains and just _lusting_ for you…"

Ron suddenly found it hard to move.

*~*~*

"Oops!" Neville said frantically. "Sorry!"

When the smoke died down, Colin cheered. "You did it, Neville!"

For the past two hours, they'd been trying to get the changes to stay. But apparently Lucius had put up strong spells to keep the classroom in the shape it was in. Nothing they had done worked- that is, until Neville's wand exploded. Now, the mirrors hanging on the wall were bewitched to show the person old, fat, and bald. Molding of lions ran around the edges of the mirror. The desks had all been transformed into steel, lumpy things, and the teacher's desk was a cow. Neville hadn't even learned animal transfiguration yet. He had the urge to run to Professor McGonagall to show her what he'd done, but the truth was, it was a complete accident. He still didn't quite know what'd happened.

"You know, Dennis completes the picture," Colin said thoughtfully. Neville glanced over and saw Dennis lying unconscious on the floor.

"Oh, no! Is he okay?"

"If he were okay, would he be unconscious?" Colin asked rhetorically.

"Well, let's get him to the hospital wing!" Neville shrieked.

"Wait," Luna spoke up, "we have to finish the second scroll first."

Neville rolled his eyes and yanked it out of her hands. He scanned the introduction and looked at the goal.

*~*~*

****

MEXICAN GOAL: _Let the Acromantula out._

*~*~*

"I'm not getting near that closet," Colin said decisively. Luna shook her head slowly.

"Come on," Neville said. They dragged Dennis out of the classroom and Colin and Luna brought him down to Madam Pomprey. Neville, however, paused at the door and aimed a careful Reductor Curse at the closet door. This curse he could do quite well, luckily, having been an eager participant in the D.A.

As the closet door exploded and the huge spider came out and he slammed the door and ran for his life, he idly wondered what it was with him and illegal groups that usually ended up blowing things up.

*~*~*

Ron had managed to casually suggest to Lucius that, since it was so close to dinner, maybe they should just Floo into a fireplace closer to the Great Hall. There was no way he was going to see that Acromantula. Despite the pleasant ending to that little experience. He wished he'd been able to appreciate it at the time, though.

They came out the fireplace in the Transfiguration department. As they trudged from the room, Lucius licking his lips, Ron flushing, and the both of them disheveled and sweaty, Professor McGonagall came out of her office and froze.

"Oh, no, no!" Ron said hastily. "Er, I know this might look kind of funny, but I want Neville! And Professor Malfoy wants Snape!"

She put a hand to her mouth. "Go. To. Dinner. Now."

*~*~*

The three of them entered the Great Hall and took their respective seats. Ron slumped next to Harry, who was eating cheerfully. "Where's Neville?" he asked, scanning the room. Harry shrugged.

"No idea."

Come to think of it, where were the rest of the Mexicans? Not even Luna was at the Ravenclaw table. He nervously decided to go looking for them if they hadn't showed up by the end of dinner.

Harry waved cheerfully to Draco, who automatically waved back happily. Then Harry scowled at him, shook his finger, and waved cheerfully again. This time Draco caught on and gave Harry a smile that was real but looked extremely fake. Then he turned his head toward the staff table and rolled his eyes. Lucius nodded approvingly.

Draco looked up as the mail arrived. His eyebrows shot up when he saw Hedwig carrying a Howler. He looked over at Harry in confusion, but back up again in shock when Hedwig dumped the Howler in front of him. He quickly yanked it open, not wanting the Howler to explode.

__

"HIIIIIII, DRACO!!" Harry's voice sang. "_HOW ARE YOU, DARLING-ICKLE-DRACO-KINS? DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A WALK TONIGHT? PLEEEEEASE? I KNOW YOU SAID YOU WERE BUSY ALPHABETIZING YOUR POTIONS NOTES BUT I MISS YOU!! I LOOOOOOOOOVVVEEEE YOU!_" And the Howler exploded.

Professor Malfoy was laughing a little, smiling a lot. He shook a finger at Draco and mouthed 'take a walk with him!' Draco nodded dumbly. He had to hand it to Harry; this was a very Slytherin thing to do.

Of course, he wasn't about to tell him that. Harry usually got annoyed and refused to sleep with him.

"I suggest we ban Howlers from this school!" Professor McGonagall cried shrilly.

*~*~*

"Neville!" Ron cried. "Are you okay?"

Of course Neville was okay. Dennis was too; he was sitting up in bed, chatting away. And chatting. And chatting. Luna's brain had gone somewhere far, far away, and Colin was listening avidly to his little brother. Neville had gotten bored, not to mention hungry, so he had been about to run up to the Great Hall and see if there was any food left. But as he was about to exit the hospital wing, Ron came sprinting up.

"I'm fine-" Neville started to say, but was cut off by Ron's mouth descending on his own. "Mmmph!! Mmmm!! Mmph!" He waved his arms wildly, trying to pry himself away. Finally Ron broke the kiss. And Neville bolted.

He ran out of the school and onto the grounds, and was halfway around the lake before he collapsed on the ground. This had nothing to do with being tired.

It had a lot to do with tripping over Harry.

"What are you doing, Neville?" he asked lazily, sitting up. He'd been lying on his back next to Draco. The two of them had been trying to count the stars, but kept getting distracted and kissing.

Neville whimpered and drew himself into a small ball.

"Longbottom? Are you okay?" Draco asked, sitting up and reflexively brushing the grass out of his hair.

"I was in the hospital wing with Dennis and Colin and Luna and I was hungry so I decided to go get some food and as I walked out Ron walked in and before I could say anything he kissed me and this was the second time and he's really scaring me and I don't know what to do so please HELP!"

Harry stared. Draco blinked and scratched his head. "Say that again?"

"It's our story!" Harry beamed. Draco blinked again.

"Our story?… Oh, that's right, Potter!" he said affectionately. "See, Neville, that's how Harry and I got together. That first year Slytherin picked a fight with Potter here, but my darling Harry put up a Shielding charm, and the spell hit the brat instead. Harry, being the wonderful hero that he is, dragged the kid to the hospital wing. I heard about it, of course, and went to fulfill my duties as Slytherin prefect. Harry was walking out as I was walking in… I didn't even see him, but we smacked heads, pulled back, looked at each other, and all of a sudden started kissing!"

Neville drew a finger through the dirt. "But I don't like Ron," he said sullenly.

"You don't?" Harry asked, sounding surprised. "What was with that dirty dream last night, then?"

Neville's jaw dropped. "How did you-" he squeaked.

"You woke up the whole room with your moaning," Harry said, scowling. "I stayed up all the previous night with Draco; I was trying to get some sleep. That was awfully inconsiderate, you know."

Neville flushed bright red. "Ron… Ron woke up?"

"Huh? Oh, no, Neville, Ron could sleep through a Death Eater attack. You woke up Dean and Seamus and me, though. We tried to wake you up, too, I mean do you know how _sick_ it is to hear you going 'Ooooohh, Ron, Ron, Ron, do that again, oooooh?'"

Draco made a face.

"But you thrashed around and knocked the sheets off and… we kind of didn't want to go near you." Harry actually blushed. "You didn't look like you wanted to be disturbed."

Draco fidgeted a bit. Neville looked like he was going to die.

"So, Dean and Seamus and I spent the night in the common room!" Harry finished brightly. "We'll do that again tonight, if you want."

Draco shifted again. Harry glanced at him. "Draco, what's the matter- oh. Er… Neville? If you wouldn't mind leaving us alone?"

*~*~*

"What are you doing?" Ron asked curiously.

"Having a sleep-over party in the common room!" Harry said brightly as he, Dean, and Seamus trudged out of the room with their pillows and blankets. "You and Neville will have this whole room all to yourselves… aren't you lucky?"

Ron groaned. "Neville hates me," he said dejectedly.

"Oh, I don't think so," Harry said airily. "Have fun tonight!" He stepped out of the room and looked to the left. "Neville, stop hiding. Ron will only bite you if you ask him to." He shoved the frightened boy into the room and firmly closed the door.

We'll let the boys have their privacy.

*~*~*

Harry waited until he thought Dean and Seamus were asleep before creeping out. At least, that was the plan.

"Hey, Harry, where're you going?" Seamus asked.

"Aren't you asleep?" he asked, jumping back. "You scared me!"

"Sorry," Seamus apologized. "So where are you going?"

Harry blushed. "The Room of Requirements."

"Brilliant!" Dean said, sitting up and giving Harry another heart attack. ("You're awake too?!") "We can sleep there, I bet it'll be loads more comfortable."

Harry gave them both glares. And kept glaring. And kept glaring until they got the picture.

"Oh. You're meeting Draco there, aren't you?"

Harry flashed them both a bright smile. "Have a nice night!"

****

A/N: Yaay, another chapter done! Now, to my reviewers (who I'll be unfairly lumping together, sorry 'bout that):

Those of you that said you liked confused Ron, I know how you feel! I adored a kind of dazed, not all there Ron. But I decided to take pity on him, at least for now. I'll still be warping his character, though, out of revenge 'cause I don't own HP. ::sniff::

To those of you that suggested possible relationship counselors: OMG, you guys are funny! I got a couple of great suggestions that I probably would have used; only problem, I'd already planned it out for it to be Lockhart (the St. Mungo's thing). And a lot of you guessed who it was, too, bravo!

Thanks to the people who pointed out their favorite lines/parts, it's more helpful than you probably realize!

And to **Arwen Rayne:** I really hope you're reading this, because I want your e-mail address! I need to tell you something about your suggestions that I can't say here, because I'll spoil things for the other readers. ^_^ You can either e-mail me, (with a clear subject line, please!) getting the address from my author's page, or leave your e-mail in a review.

And hey! Not counting author's notes, this is my second-longest chapter! (Longest being chapter 1) Go me… go me…


	7. Operation: Subtlety, and their First Fig...

Everyone Knows 

See previous chapters for disclaimer and important information; see bottom for (long) author's notes and response to reviewers; see the text immediately below for what I assume you actually want to read!

*~*~*

Harry and Draco put Operation: Subtlety into action the following morning.

"I love you, Draco!" Harry exclaimed, jumping up and down as he tagged along into the Great Hall.

"I know," Draco said in a carefully feigned bored voice.

"I really, _really_ love you, Draco!"

"I know, Harry."

"Draco, you're the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world!"

"Thank you, Harry."

"And you're the bestest lover in the whole wide world!"

"Thank you, Harry. I know."

"You love me too, right?" Draco sat down at the Slytherin table and started eating his breakfast.

"Of course I love you, Harry," he said around a mouthful of eggs.

"Oh good!" he beamed. "'Cause I love you too!"

"I know, Harry." Only through six years of practicing being a Slytherin kept Draco from cracking a smile.

"I love Draco!" Harry announced to Crabbe. Crabbe didn't seem to realize he was being addressed. He stuffed a forkful of eggs in his mouth.

"I love Draco!" Harry informed Goyle. Goyle looked at him, obviously trying to recall who Harry was.

"I love Draco!" Harry proudly told Pansy. She gave him a sneer, then burst into tears.

Harry jumped on the table. "I love Draco!" he hollered. Yep, Operation: Subtlety was working perfectly. "Do you all know we slept together last night?"

As if everyone wasn't already staring. Draco fervently thanked his new-found God that the headmaster wasn't at breakfast yet. But his father was, and looked approving. Honestly, didn't he have any other facial expressions? Approving, laughing, insanely jealous, lustful… that was about it.

Professor McGonagall was shooting Harry a death glare. He pushed his luck much farther than he should have and announced, "Draco's a great lover. Especially when he uses those handcuffs properly."

Draco choked on his eggs and crawled under the table. Yes, actually got down and crawled under it. Harry jumped down from the table and peered under. "Great idea, Draco! We can shag down here!"

"Harry… you're embarrassing me."

"I'm embarrassing myself," Harry whispered back, "but I can't seem to stop my mouth. I think I'm going to get detention for this."

"Detention, Mr. Potter!" Professor McGonagall shrieked.

"I'll take him," Mr. Malfoy interrupted smoothly. The Great Hall fell silent, as if the cloud of death had descended upon them. Harry Potter was going to be serving detention with Death Eater Malfoy? Ron and Neville gulped, looked at each other, blushed, and then remembered that they were already a couple and didn't have to be embarrassed. So they smiled, then remembered that Harry was in grave danger, and put on horrified expressions.

"I'm screwed," Harry muttered.

"Not yet," Draco muttered back, "but come down here and…"

"Draco! This is no time to be thinking about sex!"

"'Course it is."

Harry blinked. "All right, then." He crawled to join Draco under the table, hoping that everyone had better sense than to follow him. Apparently, they did. Lucius and McGonagall chose to ignore them, and began arguing about Harry's detention. People laughed nervously, then louder and louder as Draco's and Harry's moans became harder to ignore.

Under the table: Draco carefully worked Harry's pants off, revealing the black thong Draco loved so much. He leaned down to kiss Harry's leg. Harry put one hand in his hair, moaning. The other hand he used to rub the blonde's chest. The other other hand patted his back.

Since when did Harry have three hands?

"Draco!" Colin whispered urgently, patting his back.

"Colin?" Harry asked in a stupor. Then his mind cleared: "_COLIN? What are you doing down here?_"

Colin gaped at Harry's thong. Or possibly the bulge in Harry's thong. "Oh, wow. Don't let Dennis see that."

Draco put a hand over it, on the pretense of hiding it from Colin as he glared at the small boy. What he really was doing was gently rubbing it, effectively driving Harry crazy. "Colin? What are you doing under here?"

"I came to warn you!" he said, eyes wide with fear. "Mister Malfoy wants Harry to serve detention with him! The Mex- I mean, Dennis and Ron and Neville and Luna and I are worried that he'll try to hurt him!"

Draco stared at him. "You interrupted us for that, Captain Obvious?"

"Actually, Draco, I'm Colin," he said timidly. "Not Cap-"

"Aaaaah!!!" Harry interrupted. "Bloody hell, Draco, either shag me or I'll do it myself!"

Colin gasped. "Don't tell Dennis that either!!" With that, he crawled away.

"I'm going to finish what I started," Draco growled.

*~*~*

"Then I'll expect Potter at five o'clock," Lucius smirked. Perfect. McGonagall gaped at him.

"That wasn't what I meant at all! Harry most certainly cannot serve detention with you!"

"That's okay, Minerva," he said coldly, "it's no problem for me." Before she could argue again, he swept away, trying to imitate Severus's intimidating (and sexy) walk.

Someone was screaming under the Slytherin table, but he wrote that off as ghosts. Vaguely, he wondered where Draco and Harry had disappeared to. Then more actively, he wondered where his wife was. Then more suspiciously, he wondered where Severus had gone to.

They were ALL BLOODY CHEATING ON HIM!!!

He dashed off to the dungeons angrily.

*~*~*

Ron peered after Lucius. "He's screaming something about Severus, his love, why is he doing this to him," he reported to Narcissa. She and Neville were hunched behind him. At Dennis's suggestion, they had asked Narcissa if she wanted to join the Mexicans. Her internal position gave her great power. Damn, that sounded professional. [1]

Narcissa nodded. "He's got a great jealousy complex," she informed the boys. "We might be able to use that to our advantage."

Ron nodded brusquely. "Good idea. We'll add it to our list of things to consider."

She suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. God, why had she agreed to this? Oh, right. Because she intended to be at Draco's and Harry's wedding (assuming she could pry them away from each other long enough to get married) _without_ an insane, murderous husband. Okay, then, she'd put up with these morons.

Well, they were very cute morons. From what she could deduct, Weasley and Longbottom had just started dating. She eyed them critically; at their wedding they would want to go with casual suits- that would fit their dispositions better. Possibly cream-white suits, no tie. Whereas she wanted Draco and Harry to go super-nice and super-expensive pure-white silk tuxedos and crisp pink ties. Yes, pink. What was wrong with pink? It would match Draco's hair. For that matter, he should consider dying the tips pink.

She was jerked out of her increasingly strange reverie by Ron saying importantly, "Okay. Here's the latest Mexican goal." He paused and looked around. "Where're Colin and Dennis and Luna?"

"Colin is warning Harry and Draco of impending doom, I think Dennis might be trying to convince Luna to have sex with him. He's still stuck on the topic." Neville shuddered.

"All right, I'll summon them," Ron said, drawing himself up to his full height. He flicked his wand a couple of times. Nothing happened. "Stupid spell. It's still new."

"I'll do it," Narcissa offered. She expertly flicked her wand and a few Mexican jumping beans appeared in the air and began hopping towards the Great Hall. "There. They should be here in a few minutes."

"Neville, how do you feel about cross-dressing?" Ron asked suddenly.

"Go right ahead," Neville offered. Narcissa clapped a hand to her mouth to suppress a giggle. Who knew the boy had it in him?

Ron's ears turned pink. "No! I meant, how would you feel if I had you get into a dress?"

Neville turned to him in a huff. "No way, Ronald Weasley! Last night I let you tie me up. This night I promised to let you use those handcuffs you borrowed from Draco and Harry. You're not getting me into a dress!"

"But…"

"Ron, why in Merlin's name do you want Neville to cross-dress?" Narcissa asked curiously.

"Well- Professor Malfoy- in class once he said that if I was straight, Neville would be a girl… and I pictured him as a girl. He'd look so cute! Come on, Neville."

"No." Neville crossed his arms stubbornly.

"Any suggestion from my husband is likely to get you killed," Narcissa offered.

Ron snorted, and Dennis came running up. "Hey, Ron! Hello, Neville. Hi, Mrs. Malfoy."

"I refuse to be addressed as the wife of the world's biggest asshole," she declared.

Dennis nodded seriously. "Ron taught me all about assholes," he said solemnly. "If you don't have a Slot B, that's what you stick Tab A into."

Ron's face turned a shade of red that you normally didn't find in nature. Narcissa froze.

And Neville. The Hogwart's 'Innocent' boy. The sweetie. The slightly chubby, adorable, totally gay Neville opened his innocent mouth (well, not so innocent after last night, but whatever) and said, "You can stick your Tab A into a girl's asshole too, you know."

"Wow!" Dennis opened his eyes really wide. "Maybe Luna will let me do _that_!"

"No!" she blurted. She and Colin had been walking up with looks of sheer horror plastered on their faces.

"Dennis, that's it! I'm locking you in the dungeon until you're 18!" Colin scolded.

Dennis made a face and opened his mouth.

"No screaming!" Ron shrieked.

"Mexican goal!" Narcissa said quickly. "Give us the next Mexican goal, Ron."

He sniffed and unrolled the scroll.

*~*~*

__

Mexican Goal:

Lucius Great Snake Malfoy's prized possession, besides his Great Snake, is his hair. We will make it as ugly as humanly or wizardly possible.

*~*~*

"This will be good," Ron snickered. "We can change his hair to look like Snape's!"

Neville looked at him. Colin and Dennis looked at him. Luna and Narcissa looked at him. Ron frowned.

"He'd probably take it as some twisted sign, wouldn't he?"

"Yeah," Narcissa affirmed.

"Doesn't this bother you?" Neville asked suddenly.

"No, not really. Last time it was Fudge he was lusting over. Severus is beautiful in comparison."

They all looked at her in horror. She glanced casually back. "Oh, that wasn't what you meant. No, I don't care that he wants everyone on the planet but me. Well, he does want me. And we have our fun. Other than that, if he has affairs with other people, it's sort of like giving me permission to do the same!"

"Hmmmm…" Dennis thought out loud, looking thoughtfully at Narcissa. Colin froze.

"No. No. No. No. No…" Ron chanted softly.

*~*~*

"D'you remember when we first met?" Harry asked Draco dreamily.

Draco nodded against his shoulder. The boys were hiding in the Charms classroom, avoiding Lucius. They were pretty sure that Flitwick at least knew they were in there, but for some strange reason he was avoiding them. Honestly, the mess they made in the Great Hall hadn't been _that_ bad.

"I fell in love with you from the second I laid my eyes on your messy hair and scruffy clothes," Draco announced.

"You did not," Harry said. "You were thinking more about yourself than me. But I just stood there, transfixed by your marvelous voice…"

"Well, it is marvelous," Draco acknowledged, "but the reason I was talking about that meaningless crap was because I was so in love with you, I couldn't stop my mouth from running. And then the second time I saw you, remember, I was so jealous that I tried to yank you away from Ron."

"You hated me 'cause I rejected you," Harry proclaimed. "But I only pushed you away because I didn't know how long I could look at you without jumping on you and ravishing your beautiful lips."

"You were 11. You did not think such thoughts. I, on the other hand, was a perverted kid. I wanted to shag you from the moment we saw each other in the dress shop. Remember how I kept steering the conversation toward broomsticks?"

"You were thinking purely wood. You had no idea the effect it was having on me."

"No, I was more in love with you."

"No, I loved you so much I was about to explode, right from the moment you saw me. And you hated me so I lusted uselessly."

"Yeah, right, you couldn't stand me. You wanted to curse me."

"You hated me but I loved you!"

"No, _you_ hated _me_ but _I_ loved _you_!"

They stared at each other a moment in silence.

"Was that our first ever fight? As a couple?" Harry asked finally.

"I think so," Draco nodded slowly.

Harry looked at him seriously. "I guess… I guess you know what this means."

They broke out into wide grins.

"Make-up sex!" Draco announced.

*~*~*

Lucius found Severus calmly brewing potions in the dungeon. He was alone. Lucius ensured this by blasting the cauldrons apart to make sure some slutty Slytherin wasn't hiding in one.

He stalked up to the Defense Against the Dark Arts room in indignation. Severus was so mean! It was very unreasonable to call him a paranoid git and to scream that there was no chance of them ever dating. And when he entered the classroom… and found the Acromantula admiring the new decorating job…

He ran crying back down to Snape. Who sighed, threw his pride out the window, and comforted him.

And the first year Hufflepuffs who had class next weren't fatally wounded at least. Little Jimmy only spent a week in the hospital wing. He eventually recovered.

*~*~*

[1] – I just wanted to put this in randomly, because I found it hilarious: Right after I wrote "Her internal position gave her great power," my beta wrote "that sounded weird." And the next line, of course: "Damn, that sounded professional." ^___^ Well, that about sums up how I'm trying to portray Ron, don'tcha think?

And another chapter done! Albeit, a bit short, but I was away all weekend, and I wanted to stick to the Tuesday schedule. (Plus, I think my insanely long author's notes add about 600 words.) I have a couple things to say to you beloved reviewers:

I got a really polite review telling me that she didn't like reading the Mexican scenes and that she thought it was boring. I've also had other implications that people were there just for the Harry/Draco. ::sigh:: I guess I can't write to please everyone, I've had plenty of reviews commenting on the Mexican's funny antics. I really am sorry to know this, but like I said: I don't think there's anything I could write that would make everyone 100% satisfied with this fic.

I realize that this is a sequel to an entirely Draco/Harry-centric fic, so people might be expecting more of the same. I'll try and work in even more D/H scenes, but the Mexicans are really the only plot device I have. ^_^ Besides, I enjoy writing them. I guess the only thing I have to say to the reviewer is: Thanks for being nice about it.

I know how my fic is going to end, thanks to a suggestion from a different reviewer. ^_^ Don't worry, that won't be for at least two more chapters. I'm struggling with the Lucius/Snape issue, though. You guys have probably noticed that this is entirely one-sided love. I actually was considering hooking up Narcissa and Severus at the end, but I discarded that idea pretty early on. No more couples will be introduced from here on. Anyway, I think… I think I'll finish it very ambiguously, so you can invent your own ending. Not with the Draco/Harry stuff, of course, I believe I very clearly stated (through Draco) that they would be shagging each other the rest of their lives. ^__^ You'll see what I mean about all this bull later.

And I'm surprised so few people have commented on the OOCness. Actually, I only recall one review at this point. They are ALL VERY OOC. I know this. I find this funny. I hope you agree. ~_^

You know, I guess a lot of people go through this, but I never intended the story to get this far. "Telling Everyone" was an idea I got in the middle of the night when I was _trying_ to get to sleep. I scratched down a list of people Harry would tell, and a list of people Draco would tell, and promptly dozed off. The next day, I basically made up the conversations as I went along at the computer. I don't even know where the idea for the sequel came into play, but I started writing without having any idea where the story was going. And now look at it! Mexicans, Ron/Neville, sex-crazy Dennis, Harry and Draco shagging every five minutes, deranged Lucius, scheming Narcissa- I even managed to throw in Gilderoy Lockhart! ^_^ What a random fic.

And if you've read all this author's note- better yet, if you understand all this author's note- you are to be commended. O.O

Last but not least, let's keep up the positive trend of reviewing!! Oh, and to those reviewers who keep telling me to update soon: I update Tuesdays. Every Tuesday. I think I've only missed one, and that was when my computer was broken. And I made up for that. ^_^ So look for a new chapter then!


	8. Invisibilty Cloaks and Love

Everyone Knows 

See previous chapters for disclaimer and important information; see bottom for author's notes; see the text immediately below for what I assume you actually want to read!

*~*~*

Lucius was asleep. Moaning something about Severus, but Narcissa ignored that as she carefully moved her wand to his scalp. She considered just killing him then, but discarded that idea. He was awfully fun to shag, she'd feel guilty for completely destroying his hopes with Severus (being dead didn't usually attract people to you), and she wasn't sure she was capable of killing anyway. Of course, Lucius might insist that being dead was better than the spell she was about to put on him.

First, she used a spell to remove all the substances he'd put on his head. She also made a mental note to tell Draco how to prevent that spell being used on him. Lucius's hair suddenly became a lot thinner, a bit more gray, and less… less luxurious. Not as appealing. Ah, well, she could live with that. Seeing his face when he woke up would be worth the loss of sexiness.

His hair was already damaged, and she made sure to go the extra mile by singeing the ends. As an afterthought, she made his hair extremely bushy. It went along nicely with the remarkable thinning.

The gray hair was really starting to disturb her, so she decided to be kind and dye it blonde. It turned out blue. She considered him, wondered what went wrong, and decided she shouldn't have tried to be nice and left it like that.

She peacefully went to sleep, but not before casting a silencing charm around her half of the bed. The last thing she needed was to be woken up by his shrieking when he discovered what she'd done. Her last thought as she drifted off was that she couldn't keep relying on the crazy kids. She had to start attacking him in earnest. She'd hit him where it hurt… Severus Snape.

*~*~*

Lucius stormed into the Great Hall for breakfast in fine dress robes, sleek dress shoes, and a Quirrel-esque turban on his head. For a few minutes, Ron flipped out, claiming that he had Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of it.

Eventually, Neville calmed him down by saying that Lord Voldemort had a body of his own, that he was probably just covering up the job Narcissa had done, and when that didn't work, planting a kiss on his lips. When that only made Ron try and rape him in the Great Hall, Colin helpfully dumped a jug of pumpkin juice on his head.

"Right," Ron said, trying to look businesslike despite his stickiness, "we can move onto the next Mexican goal, I suppose." He unrolled the now-familiar scroll of parchment.

*~*~*

__

Mexican Goal

To tie the shoelaces of one Lucius Great Snake Malfoy together.

*~*~*

"I wish I had a life," Neville said out loud. Ron looked vaguely hurt. ("What, is my sex not good enough?" "Not that kind of life, Ron.")

"We can sneak up on him by crawling under the Gryffindor table to close to the Staff table," Dennis said aloud, mapping the route. "Then one of us can cause a distraction while the other four dash under the Staff table, and we can tie his shoelaces together there."

"Luna should cause the distraction," Colin said, nodding.

"Why Luna?" Dennis whined.

"Because I have a funny feeling that Luna doesn't want to spend any more time around you than necessary, especially not under the dark, deserted table!"

Dennis got a funny look in his eyes, convincing Colin that he was right.

So the four Mexicans dropped to their knees and began crawling. Luckily, the Gryffindor table was next to the Ravenclaw one.

"Luna!" Ron whispered loudly. "Aaah!"

When she bent over, her long hair hit him in the face. He brushed at it frantically, trying to banish images of scary big spiders and cobwebs from his mind.

Neville placed a hand on his back, wondering why he had to date the freaky one. "Hey, Luna! About a minute after we leave, start a distraction. We don't care what kind, just get people to look at you and not us. We have to crawl from under the Gryffindor table to the staff table."

"The next Mexican goal?" she whispered, and Neville nodded. "Okay, then, I'll start counting."

It took them about ten seconds to crawl to the end of the table, which meant that they were sitting there for about fifty seconds. This was harder than it first seemed, because Dennis was sure he saw a bug running around the floor and wanted to catch it. Colin claimed that Dennis wanted to eat it (Ron sure hoped he was joking), and Dennis grew angry. He snaked a hand up onto the table and grabbed the first thing he touched to fling at Colin, which happened to be a stack of pancakes. He missed completely and the pancakes landed on Ron. The Head Mexican grew angry at first, for the syrup was dripping down his face, but decided he could use Neville to wash him. After Neville licked his right cheek clean, and said that the maple syrup was a new flavor, Dennis decided he wanted to try it. Ron was immensely pleased, for he had his eyes closed and merely thought that Neville had grown two tongues. When the little voice in his head, which sounded oddly like Hermione, told him crossly that Neville did not have two tongues, made him open his eyes, he jumped backward and smacked his skull against Colin's.

It was this point that Luna chose to begin her distraction. "Oh my gosh!" she shrieked, jumping up. "Dennis Creevey is running past the open doors naked!"

"I am?" Dennis asked curiously.

"Move!" Ron said, shoving Colin forward. The four Mexicans stumbled clumsily to the cover of the Staff table. No one saw them. They all had their hands over their eyes.

"Oh, never mind," they heard Luna say clearly. "It was actually Draco Malfoy."

This got about half the Hogwarts population up and out of their chairs, running down to try and see Draco. So great was their excitement that no one stopped to wonder how Luna could possibly confuse Draco with Dennis Creevey. And the Mexicans were so busy wiping the sweat from their suspenseful run that they didn't stop to wonder where Draco actually was.

"He's not wearing laces," whispered Colin, who was in front.

Ron groaned and sat on the floor (then quickly scooted away as McGonagall crossed her legs and nearly took his ear off. Honestly, what was with girls and pointy heels?). "Bloody hell. What do we do now?"

"We could spell laces on," Dennis suggested, trying to look over Colin's shoulder. Colin shifted slightly. Dennis frowned and tried to peek around his other side. This time it was obvious that Colin was trying to block Dennis's view of something. "Let me _see_!" Dennis cried shrilly, whacking Colin on the head.

"Ow!"

"Sssssh!" Ron and Neville hissed.

"Oh, _wow_. What do you call _that?_"

Ron looked nervously. Neville looked nervously.

"Oh, _disgusting!_"

"Perverted."

"Lucius stroking Snape."

"Snape _not_ enjoying it."

"Lucius obviously enjoying it."

"Really disturbing."

"Kind of… erotic."

"Actually… yeah. Bit of a turn on."

"Inspiration."

Where Dennis got the quill, neither of them knew, but he was frantically scribbling down everything they were saying. Colin got a rather horrified look in his eyes, but Ron and Neville didn't really notice. Neville was currently being pushed backwards by Ron, whose lips came closer and closer to his…

"Lucius, enough is enough!" Snape hissed. Neville's eyes snapped open. His hair was brushing Snape's leg now, and apparently the Potions Master thought Lucius was doing this too.

"Let's move to the Gryffindor table," Ron suggested hoarsely. Neville was unable to speak- this was probably with fear of being caught, but try telling that to Ron's highly excitable body- but he nodded desperately.

They sort of forgot about the large space they had to cover to get to the Gryffindor table, but neither of them noticed anyway. There were some disbelieving stares, some eye rolls, some cries of "Weasley and _Longbottom?_", but made it to the safety of the underside of the Gryffindor table fairly quickly.

They lost track of Colin and Dennis- they lost track of almost anything, until Ron pushed Neville back with his tongue so far that his now-bare back (God knows where he lost the shirt) brushed against more uncovered skin.

Neville shrieked. Again, Ron thought triumphantly that this was due to his marvelous sexual expertise, but when he moved his hand around Neville's back he too encountered this new person.

Maybe new person was a bit off, though, because when Ron protectively pulled Neville back towards him he saw his best friend's startled emerald eyes.

Don't worry; Harry wasn't being a pervert. Or maybe that depends on your definition of pervert. Draco was with him, and he crawled forward. "Hey, Weasley. Hi, Longbottom. Guess you two have discovered the boundless sexual pleasures shagging under the table can produce?"

"More like Ron got turned on and couldn't wait," Neville muttered. Harry nodded understandingly.

"Yeah, that's what happened our first time too. But you'll find that once you start, it's really fun and you'll want to do it again. Draco and I are going to rotate tables, tomorrow's Ravenclaw. After we get the hang of this, we'll start using the food…" Harry's eyes glazed over, and Draco playfully tugged on his hair.

Ron and Neville sat there, gaping, until they heard sounds of crawling behind them. Dennis was coming up, scowling, and Colin followed him lecturing. "I told you! You can't do what Snape and Malfoy were doing to Luna. You can't do it to McGonagall, you… ugh. You can't do it to anyone! Just lay off the sex, at least until you're…" his voice trailed off as he and Dennis caught sight of Ron, Neville, Harry, and Draco, all half-naked and sitting next to each other.

"So _this_ is an orgy!" Dennis said, delighted.

*~*~*

"Mister Potter!" Professor Malfoy barked.

Harry jerked his head off his desk, wondering what he'd done this time. It could be a lot of things… sleeping in class, shagging Draco under the Great Hall tables, causing Voldemort's downfall when he was a baby…

Or probably that detention he'd earned earlier. "Five o'clock tonight?" he guessed.

Malfoy smirked. "Good to know you're on top of things, Potter," he drawled.

"Naah, Draco usually tops."

Hermione closed her eyes, briefly wishing she'd decided to befriend Parvati and Lavendar.

*~*~*

"Draco, if I die… if your father kills me… and my dead body is intact, I want you to have… well, you know."

"Harry, that's disgusting."

"It is not!"

"Well, I wouldn't take it. Because I'd try to blow it about every hour, and since it would be dead and unattached to you anyway, that just wouldn't do."

Harry pouted. "You don't love it."

"Of course I do!" Draco protested. "I just love you more. And if you died, I'd go and kill myself!"

"Don't do that!"

"Well, don't die."

"Well, thanks for the good advice… Malfoy."

Draco stuck his tongue out at Harry, who promptly crushed his mouth to his boyfriend's. "Love you."

"Love you too," Harry said lazily. "I have to go to detention now."

Draco gripped Harry's hand. "Let's run away to France!" he declared.

"You can't speak French."

"Bonjour! I can so!"

Harry burst out laughing. "Draco, I love you. But I don't want to run away to France with you. I'll survive detention… I've been in it enough."

"Yeah, but most teachers don't want to kill you!"

Harry shrugged helplessly. "What do you want me to do?"

"Give me your invisibility cloak."

Harry thought a minute. "Actually, I think it says in my will that Ron gets it if I die. And it's a bit late to change it; I'm due in detention in five minutes. But I bet you could buy it off of him."

"Potter!" Draco affectionately cuffed his ear. "Give me your invisibility cloak now, so I can follow you into detention."

"I'm not sleeping with you while I'm supposed to be cleaning something."

Draco scowled. "You're deliberately making this hard."

Harry smiled brightly and nodded.

"Go get the invisibility cloak."

"I'll be late for detention!"

"I'll distract my dad. Ask him what's the deal with his turban."

Harry rolled his eyes and heaved a dramatic sigh. And reached into his pack and pulled out the Invisibility Cloak. "I'm glad you asked. I would have been mad at you otherwise. What a loving boyfriend!"

Draco took the cloak, grinning. "I love you, Harry. Even if you expect a lot of me."

"You love me because I'm always prepared," Harry teased.

"True. Now we have about three minutes to make out frantically before you need to go to detention."

*~*~*

"Hello, Severus," Narcissa purred.

Snape's eyes darted from side to side. He was trapped. Lucius on his right, trying to convince him to do God-knows-what, and now Narcissa closed in on his left, swaying her hips and batting her eyes. Were they working together to try and seduce him? Probably not, judging by the deadly look Lucius was giving his wife. "Hello, Lucius," she said distantly. "Don't you go have to monitor Harry's detention?"

He was trapped and he knew it. After all the fuss he'd put up over getting Potter's detention… Lucius shot his wife a glare and vowed to HURT SOMEONE if she seduced Severus before he did. He stalked out of the room, giving his ass a little shake in case Severus could peal his eyes away from Narcissa's chest.

Severus backed up a few steps from Narcissa when she moaned his name in pleasure. Even though they weren't touching. He heard Lucius's footsteps falter outside before speeding away. He eyed the blonde woman with trepidation as she began… counting under her breath?

When she reached sixty and judged that Lucius had gotten far enough away, she gave Snape a wink and sped out of the room, leaving him standing in utter confusion. What on earth had he done to deserve this, anyway? Was this his punishment for joining Voldemort?

*~*~*

Lucius entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts room in a foul mood, seeing Harry sitting patiently, and apparently alone, at his usual desk. He grinned in a predatory way. Time for detention for his master's greatest adversary…

*~*~*

Eek! Lucius, don't hurt Harry! -_-() Oh yeah, this is my story. Well, Lucius won't hurt Harry.

Thanks to my wonderful beta, Dragon's 1 Girl, because I literally gave her about an hour to do this before Tuesday. Okay, I was a little slow this week. But I made my self-imposed deadline, and I rather like the way the chapter came out. Did I satisfy all you D/H maniacs? (no offense intended) ^_^ For some reason, my favorite line in this chapter is Draco protesting, "Bonjour! I can so!" ^_^ Don't ask why. I don't know why. I just get a really funny mental image… ::ahem:: Anyway.

To the reviewers that read all of last chapter's author's notes: Hell, you get a whole plate of cookies. ^_^ Either that or a bowl of cookie dough, not sure which you'd prefer. I'd personally go with the dough. ^___^ Mmmm, I'm making myself hungry. But now I get to go eat synthesized macaroni and cheese! Yay! And no sarcasm intended, synthesized-mac'n'cheese-in-a-box is the best kind. But I'm sure you don't care what my dinner menu looks like… ^.^()

Okay, I got a couple suggestions, and even if I haven't used them yet doesn't mean I'm not planning to. I just don't actually know where my fic is going. (STILL, I know, I know.) I do, however, know the ending, it's just the stuff in between I'm working on. Still don't know how long this will be either. So… yeah. Anyway.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed! You guys are the best. Albeit, most of you are total strangers to me, but you're the best total strangers EVER! Please keep on reviewing, rock on! ~_^


	9. Detentions and Food Fights

Everyone Knows 

A quick note (you can find longer ones as well as my disclaimer in previous chapters):

For the duration of the detention, paragraphs in italics with stars on either side are Draco's thoughts as he hides under the invisibility cloak.

More notes at the bottom, but for now read and I hope you enjoy!

*~*~*

"You'll be dead by the time this detention is over," Lucius announced casually as he strode to the front of the room.

Harry looked up in surprise. "Oh. Thanks for letting me know, I guess. I'm getting sick of all these subtle threats. It's good to have it said flat out of a change."

__

*I always did know Harry was insane. Even when I wasn't shagging him nightly. He'd better be careful, is all I can say. Well, I can't actually say anything, because then my father will hear me and my cover will be blown, but what I really mean here is if he tries to kill Harry I'll curse him. I have my wand out and ready. And then, after this detention, Harry and I can go into the Room of Requirements, and I'll have a different wand out and ready.*

Lucius nodded. "I'm not going to tell you how, though, of course."

"Oh, right. That makes sense."

"Here." Lucius handed Harry a small, crystal bottle. "Clean the desks with this."

"What?" Harry held the bottle up to his eye and shook it a bit. "Clean the desks with it? What is this?"

"It's a cleaning potion." Lucius grinned wolfishly. "A very strong cleaning potion."

"Are you sure there's enough to go around?" Harry asked doubtfully.

"Oh, there's enough to… accomplish my purposes." Lucius grinned again, then discreetly put a hand to his nose.

Harry sighed and set the bottle down. "I'm assuming this is a poison, Professor, and that the fumes will either kill me or cause me to become unconscious."

Lucius frowned. "No! You're getting paranoid. I wouldn't do that!"

Harry made a face. "Hmp. I bet you would."

"Open the bottle, Potter."

"It's poison!" 

"I don't care! Open it and smell it!"

Harry scowled, and lifted his wand to aim at the bottle.

"Expeliarmus." Lucius held out his hand to catch Harry's wand. "Ha! I win!"

"That wasn't fair! You didn't tell me you were going to try and disarm me!"

"I'm not going to _tell_ you in a duel."

"Well, we weren't dueling."

"Hmp. I'm your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I'm supposed to be teaching you to be always on your guard. Consider this a lesson and _smell the damn bottle!_"

Harry felt a finger poke his back gently. Immediately he relaxed. "Fine, then." He yanked out the stopper and inhaled deeply. "Mmmmm…"

Lucius eagerly counted under his breath. "One… two… three! … Three! … I said, _three_! … What the hell, aren't you listening? _THREE! Die, already!_"

Harry put a hand to his head, slightly unsteady. But he wasn't close to dying. "That was _rum!_" he hissed under his breath. "The last thing I need is to be _drunk_ for all of detention! You couldn't have tried to turn it into water or something?"

__

*Whoops. I probably shouldn't have asked Seamus to teach me that 'turning into rum' spell. [1] At least it didn't blow up in my face! Oh, that would have been horrible. His eyebrows were singed for weeks!*

"Damn you, Potter!" Malfoy said, frowning. "Ah, well, I have a back up plan." He fell silent for a minute, while Harry stared at him silently and tried to take a discreet sip of the rum. It was just so good! He should ask Draco to do this to the pumpkin juice. Although, there were probably spells on liquids that originated in Hogwarts, or most of the school would spend most of their time drunk. Either that or with no eyebrows. 

Malfoy glanced at him suspiciously, and Harry hastily lowered the bottle. _'Yes, Professor, I'm drinking your "poison"_.' That wouldn't go over too well.

"It's awfully hot in here!" Lucius said cheerfully. Harry raised an eyebrow. It was February, and though the castle was kept warm, it certainly wasn't hot. [2]

Lucius strode over to the window and flung it open. "Much better!" he said cheerfully as a blast of cold air hit him, leaving him covered with a white film. "And look! It's snowing! How lovely!"

Harry flung his arms around his shoulders. "It's freezing!"

"Oh?" Malfoy smiled innocently. Then his grin broadened. Then he giggled.

__

*Bloody hell, he's scaring me. I don't sound like that when Harry's stroking me or anything, do I?*

"Well, if you don't like it, Mr. Potter… go close the window."

"Well, duh," Harry said, rolling his eyes. He took two steps forward and stopped. "You're going to push me out, aren't you?"

"Damnit!" Lucius cried, stamping his foot. "I mean, no! Of course not! Why would I do such a thing?"

Harry scowled. "You did say you were going to try and kill me."

"Well, yes, but I told Severus I was going to get him into bed, and did that work out? Nooo…"

Harry considered this. "So you mean, I'm not really going to die?"

Lucius thought about what he just said. "The world is against me!" He sat down stubbornly on the floor, and Harry picked this instance to dart forward and swing the window closed.

"Harry! Even you're against me!" Lucius sniffed.

"You're trying to kill me, Professor Malfoy. I'm not going to be on your side."

"I won't try and kill you if you get Severus into bed with me!" Lucius suddenly offered, jumping up in excitement.

Harry thought about it. "Well, I do hate Snape…" Draco gave him a sharp nudge. "I mean, no! I wouldn't subject even Snape to that kind of torture. Take your best shot!"

__

*Okay, so maybe it would have saved Harry, but it just didn't seem fair! But I'll protect him anyway.*

"Fine! I'll kill you, Potter! You meddling child!"

"With a full head of hair!"

Lucius's eyes went wide. "That was low," he whispered.

Harry did feel a little ashamed, but… "Speaking of hair, what's with your turban?"

Lucius immediately scowled. "None of your business! Now, go… go… go… go and die!"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "You mean you're not going to come up with some thinly disguised reason for me to do something deadly?"

"I can't think of anymore," Lucius confessed. "Just leave, Potter! Leave me alone!" He sat on the floor again, pouting.

"Fine!" Harry stormed over to the door, flung it open, and marched outside. Then he slammed it behind him.

__

*Oooooowww!! Shiiit!! Bloody bloody bloody hell! Shit! Damnit! God-damned door!*

Harry immediately yanked the door open again, having heard it collide with something big and heavy. And Draco was the only big, heavy, invisible thing he thought was in the room.

"You're back," Lucius said sullenly.

"Yeah, um, I… Oh! I want my wand back! Ow!"

Lucius threw the wand at Harry's head as hard as he could. Harry debated staying to fight, but Draco was tugging at his arm, so he settled for glaring and running.

*~*~*

__

Mexican Goal:

To start a food-fight in the Great Hall, with Lucius Great Snake Malfoy being the main target.

*~*~*

The Mexicans had mixed reactions after reading the latest Mexican Goal.

Ron and Neville were too busy kissing to pay attention.

Narcissa shrieked that if one single crumb got into her hair she would make all of them pay with their lives.

Colin shrugged and said, "Awesome!"

Luna nodded serenely.

And Dennis fell out of his chair. The resulting _boom_ was loud enough so that even Ron and Neville looked up.

"Dennis, what's the matter?" Narcissa asked wearily from her perch on the desk. They'd been allowed to use the Charms classroom as meeting grounds, though Flitwick had no idea what they were doing in there.

Dennis crawled quickly on the floor and peered out the door. "He's gone."

"Who is gone?" Colin asked, rolling his eyes.

"Harry. I saw him while I was sitting on the chair, and I tried to lean over to see him. But he got further down the hall, and I just fell off the seat. And he's gone now."

"Are you really that obsessed with Harry?" Ron asked, brow crinkling.

"Well, he was acting weird. He was hugging the air, and doing some weird wiggly movements with his hips, and moaning, and biting the area in front of his shoulder, but no one was with him."

Ron shook his head. "Harry gets stranger and stranger every day. But wandering down the hallway, pretending to make out with someone, alone? That's a new one."

"Why was he wandering the hallway, anyway?" Neville mused.

"Probably finishing his detention," Narcissa said thoughtfully.

"Oh. Right."

After about five seconds of silence, Ron also fell out of his chair, landing dangerously close to Dennis, who was crawling back to his seat. "Harry's detention!"

"We forgot about it!" Colin said, jumping up.

"We have to go make sure he's still alive!" Ron said frantically. "Who knows what happened to him! He's probably _dead_ by now!"

They all rushed for the door. As the five children tried to squeeze through at the same time, Narcissa asked in a drawling voice, "Didn't Dennis just see him?"

They all stopped. "That's right…"

Narcissa let out a loud sigh. "Maybe we should all go to dinner," she suggested.

They nodded timidly.

*~*~*

Harry and Draco exercised self-control for once. When they got to the Great Hall, they peeled away from each other and Draco returned the Invisibility Cloak, and the boys headed to opposite sides to eat.

The Mexicans entered and took their seats, taking mental note of the food. Turkey, mashed potatoes, lots and lots of gravy. They were all excellent foods for food fights.

Lucius stormed in a few minutes later, turban coming dangerously loose. As a matter of fact, when Dennis decided he didn't want to wait until the man even sat down to begin the food fight and threw a turkey drumstick at his head, it came off.

There was dead silence for a few minutes, as people took in his hairstyle. Then Ron, quickly bored, flung a handful of mashed potatoes at his robes.

That was as far as the food fight progressed, at least at the beginning of the meal. No one wanted to be the next one to move, for Lucius had a murderous expression on his face.

Slowly, he sat down. No more than two seconds had passed, when Draco jumped up and raced across the room.

He stopped next to Harry, who gave him a questioning look. Draco ignored him, and pretended to study a spot on the wall above his head.

After a few seconds of standing there, he announced loudly, "No need to worry, folks. There really wasn't a smudge on the wall, Hogwarts is clean as always!" He turned dramatically and tripped over a non-existent bump on the floor.

He took his time sweet time standing up, and managed to whisper in Harry's ear, "I'm just checking up on you! I want to make sure you're okay after the 'scare in detention' today!"

Harry put a hand over his face to hide the big grin, and also to whisper "I'm fine." Draco then rushed back over to the Slytherin table.

Two minutes had passed before the blonde boy jumped up again. Fewer people looked up to watch him hurry across the room. "Harry, pass the gravy?" he asked loudly. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again, in a whisper.

"Sure," Harry said loudly. "Sure," he whispered. "I'm fine."

"Okay." Draco took the gravy and brought it to the Slytherin table, poured it carefully, and moved back over to the Gryffindor tables. "Here! I'm done with this delicious gravy!" He gave Harry a bright smile. "You're still okay?"

"I'm still okay, Draco," Harry said patiently.

Draco left the Slytherin tables five more times during the meal to check up on Harry. No one believed the flimsy excuses he came up with ("I wanted to study the wall here more closely", "You can see the Great Hall's ceiling better from this angle," "I thought there was a delicious-looking bug hovering near Potter's ear") except the one person he _wanted_ to deceive. His father sat at the Head Table, glaring at Severus and Narcissa and ignoring Draco.

For Narcissa was sitting next to the man, chatting away happily, making things up blatantly, though Lucius had no idea. For him, these "Last night was marvelous, Severus!" and "I _loved_ that new underwear you bought," and "Those new leather bonds were fabulous!" were torture for him to hear.

Poor Severus Snape, too, wasn't altogether happy. He had no idea what Narcissa was talking about, but every time he tried to say this, she would pinch him sharply on the thigh. It wasn't much of an improvement from the _last _meal.

About two-thirds of the way though the meal, Ron decided it was time for a food-fight again. However, even he wasn't stupid enough to begin throwing things at Professor Lucius Great Snake Malfoy again. This time, he grabbed a turkey leg and threw it at the Slytherin table.

It hit Crabbe in the head. Now, Crabbe wasn't known for being bright. But he was known for being strong, testy, and supremely violent. So he lifted the entire plate of turkey and threw it high into the center of the room. It came crashing down some scared Hufflepuff third-years.

That was all it took, really. The whole of the school erupted into one giant food-fight. Perhaps the teachers would have stopped it right away, but Narcissa had placed some Fascination Spells on their drinking goblets. Severus and Lucius were the only two she hadn't done it to, (Albus Dumbledore wasn't in the room) however. Lucius was busy being bombarded by mashed potatoes dripping with gravy, and Severus was actually looking at Narcissa in admiration. It took a strong Fascination Spell to completely overwhelm the whole of the faculty. In between mashed potatoes dripping down his eyes, Lucius noticed the glance and completely misinterpreted it, and even under the layer of food one could see his face growing red.

The prefects were no match for the ready-to-fight students, either, and the fact that many of them were willingly throwing food around wasn't helpful either. The Head Boy and Girl were not present at the meal, either- there were some suspicions about this, as the two were dating.

So the food-fight raged long and hard. Ron thought it was a rather splendid success. That is, until the door to the Great Hall flung open and Albus Dumbledore walked in, accompanied by the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.

*~*~*

[1] – Heh, this is from the first Harry Potter movie. Anyone remember that scene?

[2] – I have to confess, I have no idea what date it's supposed to be. I have a bad feeling I already assigned a month to the story, but for the life of me I cannot remember if I did. I think the fact that it's February makes that little run Neville took a little weird, but ah, he was in a panic. And Draco and Harry looking at the stars, well, they're just insane. ~.^

I'm not entirely happy with this chapter. I'm not sure why. Maybe because the OOCness reached new heights. -_-() Anyway, I thought the whole thing was kind of lame.

This might seem kind of sudden: I think the next chapter will be the last. It doesn't _look_ like I'm anywhere near a real conclusion, but I hope I'll be able to wrap things up. Guess we'll just have to see. ^_^

And in response to Arwen Rayne: Hufflepuff macaroni and cheese _does_ sound the best. I wonder why it seems so appealing…? ~.^ You got me thinking about that all week. They should really go ahead and make some. Heh.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and please keep it up! ~.^


	10. Food Murals, Chocolate, and Bubbles

****

Everyone Knows

::hits head:: Well, this is a repost of the chapter and a change of author's notes. (The original ones were full of apologies for the lateness of this) WHY am I reposting this? Well… I'll tell you…

S.P.E.W. = Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare, right? WELL, in the original post I wrote:

S.P.E.W. = Society for the Promotion of Elvish Warfare. Isn't that lovely? X.x If anyone noticed, they didn't point it out, so I blissfully left it up there until my friend read this over. So thanks, **firewrath**, for noticing that no, in fact, Hermione doesn't want the elves to go to war. … but in later books, who knows?? ^__^

*~*~*

"Splendid!" Albus said, clapping his hands together. When they hit, the entire faculty looked up in shock, and Narcissa felt the presence of her Fascination Spell vanish. How did he do that?

Fudge stood in shock, swiveling to see the complete mess of the Great Hall. "What?… what on earth is going on here?"

Harry felt a tug on his leg. Pretending he was invisible, he slid down under the table. "Wanna shag?" Draco whispered.

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Draco, there's a time for everything. There are times you should shag. There are times you shouldn't shag. And there are times it would probably be fatal to shag. We shag anyway through the first two, but I think shagging now would be going overboard."

"But you just used the word shag like five times in a row!" Draco whined. "How am I supposed to be _not_ turned on?"

Harry grinned. "Hey, how'd you get over here, anyway?"

"Crawled," he said simply.

"You've got mashed potatoes on your ass," Harry said, reaching around to wipe them off.

"Are you saying my ass is a big target, Potter?" Draco growled playfully.

"Only for some things," Harry said slyly, pulling Draco closer. The blonde boy moaned slightly.

"Harry? Can we shag now anyway? It's supposed to be a great tension reliever."

"So is eating chocolate," Harry commented, cocking his head. "Come to think of it, I'm in the mood for chocolate."

"I'm in the mood for _you_," Draco said. "Hey…" he eyed Harry. "We could always try combining the two."

They stared at each other, considering. "Let's crawl," Harry said finally.

*~*~*

"Splendid, Dumbledore?" Fudge whined, his voice becoming very high pitched. "Look at what your students have done!"

"Yes, I see they've already started work on our latest school project," Dumbledore said calmly. His eyes were glittering madly behind his spectacles, and Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick exchanged apprehensive looks. When Albus's eyes were like that… well, the last time they had ended up watching Professor Sprout try to dance with a large Venus Fly trap. Albus was a great wizard, but his ideas could _sometimes_ be just a _little_ bit eccentric.

"He's completely mad," Flitwick whispered, and Minerva McGonagall nodded her head quickly in agreement.

"School project?" Fudge asked suspiciously.

"Yes, our life-sized painting: _Students in Food Fight_. Are you not a patron of the arts, Cornelius?"

Had Cornelius Fudge been a better speaker, or indeed had any social skills at all, he might have found a door in the wall Albus Dumbledore backed him up against. As it was, he found himself curled up in the fetus position in the corner. He mumbled something indistinguishable and looked away.

No one noticed Harry and Draco crawl out the door except for Dennis Creevey, and it was thanks to him no one else noticed. He stood up on the chair to watch them, but ended up performing a lovely swan dive into the bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Perfect, Dennis!" Dumbledore chortled. He glanced around with a look in his eye that the other teachers found slightly menacing. "Hermione Granger!"

The bushy-haired prefect froze. She considered protesting that she had _tried_ to stop this, but no one would listen… but that would blow their cover, wouldn't it? "Yes?" she asked meekly.

Dumbledore grinned at her. "Will you please show Minister Fudge around? The rest of the school and I will continue with this lovely… mural."

She nearly eep-ed in relief and dashed out of the door without responding. Fudge followed, seemingly just as eager to get out of the room.

"Thank goodness," McGonagall sighed, standing up in relief. "I was worried for a second there; if Fudge thought we were acting so irresponsibly in school…" she was cut off as Dumbledore waved his wand and a turkey appeared in her hand.

"Just place that in your hair, Minerva," he said cheerfully. "Colin, would you come up and join me? I'll pay you to be our official photographer!"

And so the school found themselves in shock, being moved around and dirtied and covered in food, much to the delight of Dumbledore and a few of the males.

The teachers had eyed all possible means of exiting the room, but to no avail. Narcissa, however, had no intention of letting Dumbledore toss _food_ on her perfectly manicured body, so she dragged Severus to the front of the room. Albus didn't look over at them, but she was _positive_ he saw her. And just before she started to march out the door, she hesitated and glanced over her shoulder…

He winked at her. Maybe today would be the day her husband was exposed…

*~*~*

Five minutes ago, Narcissa had dragged Snape out of the room to do Merlin-knows what. _His_ Snape!

Lucius was in a rage. And when he was in a rage, he tended to do stupid things.

So he carefully covered himself in food from head to foot. Camouflage, you see. And unconsciously following the path of his son and Draco's lover, he crawled under the tables and out the door.

No one noticed but Dumbledore.

No one stopped him.

*~*~*

"S.P.E.W. Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare," Hermione explained. "You see, house-elves are overworked and underappreciated. I feel that it is important to make sure our fellow magical creatures are protected! You wouldn't want to see other wizards exploited for all the physical labor they are capable of in return for no pay and harsh treatment, would you? No! Then tell me, why should we allow such things to happen to our fellow magical creatures! Elves are… uh, living too!"

Cornelius Fudge was completely lost. What was this girl talking about? _Freeing elves_? Was she insane? And where was she taking them??

"These are the kitchens," Hermione said proudly, stopping in front of a painting of a bowl of fruit. "I'm confident that, once you see the abuse the poor house-elves are put through, you'll take immediate action!"

*~*~*

Harry and Draco had crawled out of the Great Hall, through the doors, down the hallways, up and down a few flights of stairs (they'd gotten lost; perspective changes when you're on your knees), and finally arrived at the kitchens. Finally, they'd decided to get up. At that point, Harry had thought to ask why they had crawled all the way, and Draco responded that it was a front-row view of his lover's ass.

They entered the kitchen and gone for the melted chocolate. Somewhere along the way, they'd both gotten naked and sticky. The house-elves huddled in a corner, trying not to look and still clean the mess, although after a while they'd given _that_ up.

It was at this point that Hermione pushed the painting forward with a dramatic, "See what goes on in these kitchens?"

*~*~*

Narcissa led Severus into the bathroom. She knew her husband; he wouldn't be able to leave them alone for long. "Strip," she ordered, filling the large tub with opaque bubbles. There was only so far she was willing to go, and thought Snape would be willing to go…

It was a sign of the stress of the last few days that Snape didn't even argue with her. Instead, as she turned her back, he obediently stripped and climbed into the water. She began massaging his shoulders, starting to feel bad for him.

They began chatting lightly, though they carefully avoided mentioning the extremely odd circumstances present. Narcissa compulsively glanced at her watch, until finally the door burst open.

A very angry Lucius stood, glaring at them, breathing so heavily that he couldn't enunciate the spell. He simply kept jabbing his wand at them ferociously.

"Run," Narcissa yelled over her shoulder, already halfway out the back exit. She heard Snape hastily jump from the water – making her thankful she'd used magical bubbles; these should shield him somewhat – and follow her through the spare rooms and into the hallways.

They bolted, intending to go to the Great Hall… but they got lost.

They ended up near the kitchens.

*~*~*

"_AAAAAAAHHHHH!_" Cornelius Fudge shrieked.

"_EEEEEEEEEGGGGH!" _Hermione Granger shrieked.

"_CRAAAAAAAAAP!"_ Draco Malfoy shrieked.

"_Mmmmm_," Harry sighed, relaxing after the latest orgasm. He slowly cracked an eye open. "What is it, Dra- _AAAAAAHHHH!"_

Fudge bolted. Hermione bolted. Completely confused, Harry and Draco chased after them, wearing only a dripping layer of chocolate and… ahem, certain bodily fluids.

And Fudge, Hermione, Harry, Draco, Narcissa, and Snape all collided. Half of them stark naked, they stared determinedly at each other's heads.

Then Lucius ran up behind them.

"Kill you!" he muttered insanely. "Must kill, must wound, must kill Potter boy! Must KILL WIFE! Must kill son, must kill Snape, must kill all! All who dare cross me must die! You die too, Mudblood! Die, all! I'll kill you all! I'll murder you all in your sleep! DIE DIE DIE!!!" He raised his wand, but Dumbledore was too quick. Also, Dumbledore wasn't slowly being deprived of an object of lust, which tended to lower anyone's dueling skills. The elderly wizard had somehow creeped up behind Malfoy and, with a simple flick of his wand, disarmed the younger Death Eater.

"You see?" Nearly everyone crowed triumphantly at Fudge. "The poor house-elves," Hermione added despondently, casting a sternly disapproving look at Harry and Draco.

"Now, now," Cornelius said, startled, holding up his arms. "I'm sure Mister Malfoy didn't mean anything…"

Draco's shoulder's sagged. He put an arm around Harry. Dumbledore looked dangerously close to attacking the Minister. Hermione and Narcissa groaned loudly. Snape looked down and realized exactly how much he was wearing.

And Lucius screamed, "SHUT UP, INCOMPETENT MINISTER OF PATHETIC F-ING MAGIC!"

Cornelius Fudge drew himself up to his full height… which wasn't very tall, puffed out his chest, straightened his robes and said in a scalding voice, "Mister Malfoy! You are under arrest!"

*~*~*

"I never want to look at you again," Narcissa announced to Snape. "I love you and all, just not in that way, but I never want to see anyone here again!" She started to flounce away, then hesitated. "Oh, all right… I'll be visiting you, Harry, Draco and the Mexicans in a week!"

It was six days after Malfoy's little incident… and he was locked back in Azkaban. The real Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had finally returned, Harry and Draco had bathed (and shagged at least eight times), Snape got clothes, and Narcissa had packed to return to Malfoy Manner.

Colin and Luna were doing fine, Ron and Neville were doing more than fine, and Dennis had been knocked out twice to prevent the little bugger from molesting any girls.

"Awwww," Harry said, grinning, arms firmly around Draco's neck. "Group hug!"

The occupants of the room, which included the above-mentioned as well as Albus Dumbledore, enthusiastically embraced. Some were more enthusiastic than others, of course, but that could hardly be helped.

As they all hugged each other fondly, they happened to glance up and one point or another. Most of the school except for them was displayed on a gleaming picture on the wall. These pictures had been strategically placed about the school. After all, it wasn't every day you got to see the entire school covered in their dinner. Ron turned out to be very proud of his "Mexican Agenda" idea.

Forgetting that they were in such close proximity with others, Draco whispered in Harry's ear: "Let's shag after this."

"Now that my idiot husband is gone, you can actually do it in public!" Narcissa beamed.

Of course, everyone knew immediately that she should absolutely not have said that.

*~*~*

Yeah, cutting it off there. ^_^() Um, sorry to all those that asked for more explicit scenes, but that's not my alley. Oh, and thanks to those that offered to help me, but I feel odd enough writing what's already here! ::sigh::

Okay, and once again, sorry this chapter's so late. And it's a bit short. X_x Ugh. Anyway, the last thing I'll be doing with this story will be the epilogue! That's going to be up at no specific date… and be warned, there will be two versions. The Snape/Lucius/random version, and the one I probably should write. @.@

Thanks everyone for reading this! ::blows kisses:: You all rock. Oh, and please tell me if this chapter doesn't flow with the rest of the story. I tried to make it, but I switched over to writing anime for so long I'm afraid I screwed something up. X.x Well, whether I did or didn't, please review!


	11. Epilogue, Versions 1 and 2

Epilogue 

Okay, this came out faster than I intended. There are two versions, please if you like one don't yell at me for the other!

Also, these aren't my best writing. They're not intended to be. ^_^() I'd rather you not judge the story on these. Meant to satisfy some reviewer's I've grown attached to. (Don't worry, not in the crazy-stalker way, more in the thanks-for-reviewing-so-much way!)

VERSION 1 - Snape/Lucius, warning: random. Weird. Even more OOCness and doesn't really follow the plot line.

Of course, Cornelius Fudge let Lucius out of Azkaban in a month. This wasn't strange. What was strange was that Lucius refused to join Voldemort. After getting a proper divorce from a willing Narcissa, he set about the proper way of courting Severus Snape.

Turned out, all it took was a sincere puppy-dog eyes glance. Who would have thought?

Narcissa and Gilderoy Lockhart teamed up to plan Harry and Draco's wedding. The combination of the two of their, uh… skills led to a lot of pink pixies and white suits. Turned out the two didn't combine to well.

And Harry and Draco weren't much help. They kept trying to kiss during the ceremony. Albus Dumbledore, the minister, had to convince them that it made it better if they waited until he gave them permission to do so.

The Mexicans grew up and, instead of getting normal jobs, formed a singing group called… the Mexicans. They ended up as popular as the Weird Sisters, sung at Harry and Draco's wedding, and constantly got in strange situations. For two of their members kept trying to snog at band gigs, one of them chased after another, and the third tried to pry his younger brother off the poor lone girl in the band.

And, cliched though it may be, they all lived happily ever after.

VERSION 2 – The slightly more normal version, still doesn't make a lot of sense. X_x

The war went on, and Harry and Draco were forced to get slightly more serious. A large break-out at Azkaban occurred. Severus Snape went home to find Lucius lounging on his bed, expecting to be sheltered. What Lucius didn't know was that he'd picked the night Severus had been exposed.

Death Eaters stormed his house. Still slightly insane, Lucius decided to side with Severus. They fought against the men, seeming about to lose until Narcissa trotted in, looking for Lucius. She cast strong Fascination Spells on the Death Eaters, who suddenly started examining the interesting paneling on the walls, took two seconds to explain that she'd heard about the breakout and _knew_ this was where her husband was headed, and dragged them out of the house. Lucius and Snape and Narcissa ended up spending the four months until the war was over in Gilderoy Lockhart's very pink apartment.

As for Harry and Draco…

They were tortured horribly.

They were pushed around.

They were forced to do things no decent human should have to do.

Yes, Narcissa decided to throw them a big, fancy wizarding wedding.

Ron and Neville got married several months after Harry and Draco. Hermione and Colin and Luna spent the rest of their lives hiding from Dennis. Because although he grew into "Hogwart's Hunkiest," was chased after by girls around the world, and made millions of Galleons posing for Witch's Weekly magazine, he still harbored an unnatural obsession for Luna.

Despite the insanity that ran abound; or maybe because of it, they lived happily ever after.

*~*~*

And that's the real end. ^_^ Okay, I loved working on this fic. Thanks everyone sooo much for your positive comments! Oh, and since I almost lifted a line from the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix book jacket, I better reiterate that I don't own that. ::snorts::

So, let's review a final chapter! Come on… for old time's sake! ^_____^

Signing off,

DarkShadowFlame


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